Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes : A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

Get this: Cronus liked to eat babies. Narcissus probably should have just learned to masturbate. Odin got construction discounts with bestiality. Isis had bad taste in jewelry. Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy. And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face. All our lives, we#8217;ve been fed watered-down, PC versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified#8230;wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O#8217;Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words. Skeptical? Here are a few more gems to consider: #8226; Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed. #8226; The entire Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet just got too hammered to keep murdering everyone. #8226; The Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw sweet dance parties#8230;on the corpses of their enemies. #8226; The Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange for one shiny necklace. And there#8217;s more dysfunctional goodness where that came from TITLE PAGE COPYRIGHT DEDICATION INTRODUCTION (Right after this table of contents, dumbass.) GREEK Cronus Likes to Eat Babies Zeus Sticks It to Semele a Little Too Hard King Midas Is: GOLDFINGER Tiresias Is TWICE the Man/Woman You’ll Ever Be Narcissus Probably Should Have Just Learned to Masturbate Persephone Is the Mother of Inven- tion . . . No, Wait . . . Hephaestus Gets Dicked Around a Lot Orpheus Rocks Hard Friends Don’t Let Friends Bang Cows NORSE The Norse Are METAL Thor Gets Hammered Odin Gets Construction Discounts with Bestiality Fenrir Is a DILF Sex 4 Gold Thor Gets Jacked All’s Well That Mimir’s Well The End of the Norse World as We Know It EGYPTIAN Ra Has Sex with Himself Ra and Sekhmet, or: How Beer Saved the Universe Isis Has Bad Taste in Jewelry Thoth Is Just Giving Out Scorpions Horus Jerks Off in Set’s Salad MAYAN The Mayans Have the Most Brutal Calendar Hunahpú and Xbalanqué: ULTIMATE BALLERS Zipacna and the Four Hundred Boys JUDEO-CHRISTIAN God Makes a Lot of Stuff Cain and Abel Invent the Sibling Rivalry Abraham Is Totally Cool About Stabbing His Kid in the Face Noah Is on a BOAT King Solomon and the Disposable Baby HINDU The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up Shiva Cannot Be Stopped Anything Kali Can Do, Shiva Can Do Better Ganesh Is the Very Definition of an Un- planned Pregnancy JAPANESE Izanami Gets Real Sore Susanoo Has No Idea What He’s Doing Amaterasu and the Crippling Depression Tanukis Have Big Balls AFRICAN Obatala Has a Drinking Problem Local Father Discovers Immortality with This One Weird Tip! Eshu Elegba Is Probably the Last Dude You Want Approving Your Friendship CHINESE Pan Gu Is a Pretty Big Dude Chang’e Is a Substance Abuser Fei Chang-Fang and the Poop Mystic SUMERIAN The Ancient Sumerians Knew How to Party Enki and Nimmah Party Far Too Heartily Gilgamesh and Enkidu: ULTIMATE BROMANCE NATIVE AMERICAN Wisakedjak Is Highly Irresponsible Killer-of-Enemies and the International House of Vaginas Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next Level The Moon Is Made of Meat UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN The Creation Myth . . . of AMERICA John Henry Was a Steel-Drivin’ Man Paul Bunyan Was a Log-Drivin’ Man Pecos Bill Was a Cattle-Drivin’ Man Davy Crockett Talks a Big Game This Is What Tom Cruise Believes In CONCLUSION: The Prevailing Creation Myth ABOUT THE AUTHOR This book casts a gimlet eye on the real world of mythology. And in his irreverent style, O'Brien recounts more than 100 classic myths from Greek, Norse, Egyptian, Japanese, and other cultures. While each version is authentic in terms of facts, this creative take on the originals presents the stories in a whole new light Ahhh, the Greeks dead longer than America has even existed and still invading our lives with their myths.