Why Mommy doesn't give a ****! : because Family begins with a capital F : a novel

Mommy is single and ready to mingle. Shocked and shaken from her divorce from Simon, but determined to make the best of it, Ellen moves to pursue her rural dream of a quirky cottage with roses around the door and chickens in the garden. However, Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly obstreperous and the roses have jaggy thorns. The world of internet dating beckons, with mixed results, and Ellen clashes with Jane's difficult teenage years at every turn, but the one thing they can both agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog is indeed The Ugliest Dog in the World, but is also the loveliest. Family begins with a capital eff. I'm wondering how many more effing phases I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me "it's just a phase!" for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is "just a phase". Potty training and the associated accidents is "just a phase". The tantrums of the terrible twos are "just a phase". The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1 p.m. without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All "just phases"! When do the "phases" end though? When?! I'm wondering how many more effing phases I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me "it's just a phase!" for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is "just a phase". Potty training and the associated accidents is "just a phase". The tantrums of the terrible twos are "just a phase". The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1 p.m. without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All "just phases"! When do the "phases" end though? When?!--back cover