Why boys don't talk and why it matters : a parent's survival guide to connecting with your team

Helps parents reopen the lines of communication with "silent" teenage sons and stay emotionally connected with them Adolescent boys are notoriously uncommunicative. Unfortunately, too many parents equate not talking with not feeling, and, as authors Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon explain in this groundbreaking guide, parents who make that assumption end up validating only the most superficial aspects of their sons. Recent bestsellers such as Real Boys and The Wonder of Boys have done a good job of sensitizing parents to the inner lives of boys and opening their eyes to how society shortchanges boys emotionally. Now, Why Boys Don't Talk--and Why It Matters goes a step further. Coauthored by a nationally acclaimed expert on gender equity and a social worker--both of whom successfully raised teenagers of both sexes--it: Arms parents with proven techniques for communicating with their adolescent sons and reestablishing strong emotional bonds with them Draws upon focus groups as well as the authors' considerable experience in gender equity research and counseling, to analyze the subtle ways boys communicate connection

"This wise and warm book encourages mothers not to let their sons become unemotional robots but instead to stay connected."
—Michael Kimmel, professor of sociology, SUNY Stony Brook

"Shaffer and Gordon shed light on the cultural reasons boys frequently don't talk and then show how to encourage conversation and when to respect the necessary silences."
—Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence

Whatever happened to that chatty little boy brimming with quirky facts and interminable accounts of his adventures? When did your son grow into the sullen stranger in your house who communicates through shrugs and one-word answers? Is this just part of growing up or is it a sign that something is wrong?

In Why Boys Don't Talk—and Why It Matters, Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon draw on their professional and personal experiences to provide answers to those common questions. You'll discover why adolescent boys often feel the need to protect themselves behind a wall of silence and why it's important to your son's emotional health to break through that wall. Most important, you'll gain the knowledge and tools you need to:

• Recognize and understand the subtle ways boys communicate connection
• Reopen the lines of communication with your adolescent son
• Help him learn to express his feelings and experience a range of normal emotions
• Maintain strong emotional bonds with your son in order to support his positive growth and development

Susan Morris Shaffer is a parenting expert, a nationally acclaimed gender equity specialist, and an educator with more than thirty years of experience.

Linda Perlman Gordon, M.S.W., M.Ed., is a clinical social worker, trained mediator, and a graduate of the prestigious Family Therapy Practice Center. They are coauthors of Why Girls Talk—and What They're Really Saying.

Library Journal

In adolescence, boys and girls distinguish themselves, among other things, by their communication style: the former don't talk, and the latter talk a lot. With research data and focus-group input, Shaffer and Gordon, an educator and a clinical social worker, respectively, solidly establish the social elements in which these behaviors take root. In Why Boys Don't Talk, the authors describe how the media, culture, and history all maintain the idea that in order to become men, boys have to be tough and hide their emotions; therefore, they become emotionally disconnected. To fix that, parents need to pursue connections and communication. Girls, on the other hand, are expected to connect and to seek relationships with others. Add to that gender inequalities and the distorted portrait of women in the media, and girls face many challenges in their path to self-knowledge. Parents need to help a teen daughter stay connected to her true self and not give in to social pressure. Why Girls Talk succeeds better in speaking to parents by giving them sound advice and strategies. Libraries should know that Why Boys Don't Talk was first published in 2000 by the Mid-Atlantic Equity Consortium as Why Boys Don't Talk and Why We Care and is not revised here. For specific communication strategies in parenting, see Haim Ginott's Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication. Why Girls Talk is recommended for parenting collections in large public libraries.-Maryse Breton, Ann Arbor, MI Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.

Terms of Use......Page 5 Want to learn more?......Page 6 Contents......Page 9 Acknowledgments......Page 13 Introduction: Life in the Balance......Page 15 1 Why Boys Don’t Talk—and Why It Matters......Page 21 2 A New Vision: Individuation and Connection: Do We Push Our Sons Away?......Page 33 3 New Challenges for Building Connections: What Can We Do to Foster Closeness?......Page 45 4 The Veil of Masculinity: What Is the Impact of “Boys Will Be Boys”?......Page 55 5 What Statistics Tell Us: What Is It Really Like to Be a Boy Today?......Page 69 Education......Page 70 Alcohol/Drug Use and Violence......Page 78 Psychological Danger Signals......Page 82 Overview......Page 89 Developing Identity......Page 91 Oppositional Identity, Academic Achievement, and Peer Pressure......Page 92 Coming of Age......Page 95 Fathers and Sons......Page 96 Ethnically and Culturally Diverse Adolescents and Society......Page 97 Institutional Racism in Schools......Page 99 Culture Clash: Children, Families, School, Communities, and the Media......Page 105 7 A Work in Progress: How Do We Create More than Just a “Few Good Men”?......Page 113 8 Somewhere Between Superhero and Geek: How Do We Make It Okay for Boys to Break Out of the Box?......Page 121 9 The Debate About Nature Versus Nurture: How Powerful Is Biology’s Impact on Behavior and Learning?......Page 131 Overview......Page 141 The Myth of the “Good Old Days”......Page 142 What We Can Learn from Single Parents......Page 144 Today’s Challenges......Page 149 11 Strategies for Parents: A Baker’s Dozen: Where Do We Go from Here?......Page 153 1. Teach the Language of Feelings; Empathy Has to Be Taught and Modeled in the Home.......Page 154 2. Place a Value on Staying Attached in the Same Way as We Do for Our Daughters.......Page 155 3. Trust Your Instincts About What You Know Is Good for Your Son.......Page 156 4. Avoid Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes.......Page 157 5. Learn to Find and Use the Teachable Moment.......Page 158 6. Give Boys Permission to Feel Bad.......Page 160 7. Set Limits, Even if He Fights You.......Page 161 8. Give Them Safe Opportunities to Earn Your Trust.......Page 162 9. Try Small Conversations Instead of Extended Discussions or Lectures.......Page 163 11. Encourage Involvement of Fathers.......Page 164 12. Stay Involved with Your Son’s School from Preschool through High School.......Page 165 13. Love Them for Who They Are!......Page 166 12 The Power of Connection: How Can We Redefine Masculinity?......Page 169 Appendix A: Positive Parenting: The Law of Return......Page 175 What Are Focus Groups?......Page 177 Qualitative and Quantitative Research Methods......Page 179 Appendix C: Focus Group Interview Guide: Adolescents......Page 183 Appendix D: Focus Group Interview Guide: Parents......Page 185 Appendix E: How Vulnerable Is My Teen to Depression?......Page 187 Appendix F: Violence Fact Sheet 2004......Page 189 Appendix G: Guns, Gangs, Harmful Threats, and Injury Are Part of Teen Lives: The 2001–02 Pride Summary Report—Violence Survey of Grades 6–12......Page 193 Appendix H: What Can You Do if You Suspect Your Child Is Involved in a Gang?......Page 195 References......Page 197 Gender Studies......Page 211 Psychology......Page 216 Race/Ethnic Studies......Page 218 Sociology......Page 220 Statistics......Page 223 Index......Page 227 About the Authors......Page 241 Why boys don't talk and why it matters A new vision : individuation and connection : do we push our sons away? New challenges for building connections : what can we do to foster closeness? The veil of masculinity : what is the impact of "boys will be boys"? What statistics tell us : what is it really like to be a boy today? Focus on adolescent males of color : what cultural factors affect the development of African American, Asian, and Latino teenage boys to form and sustain connections with parents, schools, and friends? A work in progress : how do we create more than just a "few good men"? Somewhere between superhero and geek : how do we make it okay for boys to break out of the box? The debate about nature versus nurture : how powerful is biology and its impact on behavior and learning? Historical perspective : the myth of the "good old days" : do we want things the way they were? Strategies for parents : a baker's dozen : where do we go from here? The power of connection : how can we redefine masculinity? Adolescent boys are notoriously uncommunicative. Unfortunately, too many parents equate not talking with not feeling, and, as authors Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon explain in this groundbreaking guide, parents who make that assumption end up validating only the most superficial aspects of their sons. Coauthored by a nationally acclaimed expert on gender equity and a social worker--both of whom successfully raised teenagers of both sexes--it: arms parents with proven techniques for communicating with their adolescent sons and reestablishing strong emotional bonds with them, and draws upon focus groups as well as the authors' considerable experience in gender equity research and counseling, to analyze the subtle ways boys communicate connection A survival guide for parents of teenage boys provides a series of proven techniques for communicating with their adolescent sons and reestablishing strong emotional bonds with them. Original. 15,000 first printing.