Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life : How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life

A self-empowering plan for anyone who wants to stop being manipulated by others In Who's Pulling Your Strings? , Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, New York Times bestselling author of The Disease to Please , explains how depression, low self-esteem, chronic anger, and feelings of helplessness are often the result of being caught in relationships with manipulative people—including family members, friends, coworkers, and associates. More importantly, she arms readers with the knowledge and tools they need to understand and identify manipulative personalities and to free themselves from the bondage of relationships with them. Working from sound psychological theory and research, yet writing in a warm, accessible style, Braiker exposes the most common methods manipulative people use to control others—and makes clear that it takes at least two people to enable such a relationship to function. With the help of valuable self-assessment quizzes, action plans, and how-to exercises she empowers readers to: Recognize the signs of a manipulative relationship Spot manipulators and their typical modus operandi Assess their own vulnerability to manipulation Identify the 7 main "Head Games" manipulators play ...and much more, including informative case studies and highly effective Resistance Tactics to help those who identify themselves as victim-participants end the damaging cycle of control and manipulation—and clear the way for success and happiness. Orlando Sentinel, “She devotes her book to explaining how manipulators operate and, more important, what their victims can do to end these destructive relationships.” —Harry Wessel Chicago Tribune, “…offers practical suggestions for those who find themselves repeatedly yanked, right down to language they can use in a tight spot.” —Joanne Trestrail Copyright......Page 5 Contents......Page 9 Introduction......Page 11 1 An Overview of Manipulation......Page 15 Control and Countercontrol......Page 16 Manipulation versus Influence......Page 18 The Book’s Three Purposes......Page 19 Who Is Vulnerable to Manipulation?......Page 20 2 Manipulation in Five Acts......Page 23 Act One: A Tale of Two Cindys......Page 24 Act Two: Dinner at Mom’s......Page 27 Act Three: Location, Location, Location......Page 30 Act Four: Terrible Teens......Page 34 Act Five: Double Squeeze......Page 38 Are You a Soft Target for Manipulators?......Page 41 How to Score and Interpret Your Answers......Page 45 4 Your Buttons Are Showing......Page 47 What Are Your Buttons?......Page 48 Button No. 1: You Have the Disease to Please—People-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets......Page 49 Button No. 2: You Are Addicted to Earning the Approval and Acceptance of Others......Page 52 Button No. 3: You Have “Emotophobia”—Fear of Negative Emotions......Page 54 Button No. 4: Lack of Assertiveness and an Inability to Say No......Page 56 Button No. 5: The Vanishing Self......Page 59 Button No. 6: Low Self-Reliance......Page 60 Button No. 7: External Locus of Control......Page 62 5 Manipulators’ Motives......Page 65 What Makes Manipulators Do What They Do?......Page 66 Basic Rules of Manipulation......Page 67 Manipulative Motives......Page 68 Do Manipulators Understand Their Own Motives?......Page 72 What You Can Expect......Page 75 How Manipulators Look at the World......Page 76 How Manipulators Create the World They Perceive......Page 78 The Prisoner’s Dilemma......Page 79 Summary......Page 85 6 Who Are the Manipulators in Your Life?......Page 87 Crossing the Line......Page 88 Direct Control versus Evocation......Page 91 Manipulating Your Life: The Usual Suspects......Page 92 Spotting Manipulators in Your Midst......Page 93 Three Important Goals......Page 96 The Usual Suspects......Page 98 The Machiavellian Personality......Page 99 Narcissistic Personality Disorder......Page 101 Borderline Personality Disorder......Page 103 Dependent Personality Disorder......Page 106 Histrionic Personality Disorder......Page 108 Passive-Aggressive Personalities......Page 110 Type A Angry Personalities......Page 112 The Con or Antisocial Personality Disorder......Page 114 Addictive Personalities......Page 115 An Exercise in Spotting Manipulators......Page 116 How Do Your Strings Get Pulled?......Page 117 7 How Manipulation Works......Page 119 How Do You Get Manipulated?......Page 120 Control Levers......Page 121 What Does the Manipulator Want?......Page 124 What Types of Relationships Are Susceptible to Manipulation?......Page 125 What Tactics Does the Manipulator Use?......Page 126 When Are You Most Susceptible to Manipulation?......Page 129 8 What Are our Hooks?......Page 131 Question 1: What Do You Most Want or Need at This Point in Your Life?......Page 132 Question 2: What Do You Worry About or Fear the Most About Losing?......Page 134 Protecting Your Vulnerabilities......Page 135 9 The Mechanics of Manipulation......Page 137 The Manipulative Shift......Page 138 The Manipulative Process......Page 140 Methods of Manipulative Control......Page 141 Positive Reinforcement......Page 143 Negative Reinforcement......Page 145 Intermittent or Partial Reinforcement......Page 150 Punishment......Page 154 Traumatic One-Trial Learning......Page 155 The Big Lie......Page 158 The Victim’s Countercontrol......Page 159 10 Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?......Page 163 Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?......Page 164 How to Interpret Your Answers......Page 167 11 The Impact of Manipulation......Page 169 The Silent Contract......Page 170 The Emotional Toll of Manipulation......Page 171 Confusion About the Manipulator’s True Motives......Page 173 Frustration and Dissatisfaction with the Relationship......Page 175 Sense of Imbalanced Power and Control......Page 176 Diminished Self-Reliance and Lowered Self-Esteem......Page 177 Resentment and Anger Toward the Manipulator......Page 178 Entrapment and Victimization......Page 179 Breaking Free from Manipulation: Trust Yourself......Page 181 12 Resistance Tactics......Page 185 Resistance......Page 186 Extraction......Page 188 Small-Scale Efforts......Page 189 Seven Key Steps to Resist Manipulation......Page 190 Step 1: Playing for Time......Page 191 Step 2: The Broken Record......Page 196 Step 3: Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear, and Guilt......Page 201 Step 4: Labeling the Manipulation......Page 207 Step 5: Disabling the Manipulation......Page 210 Step 6: Setting Your Terms......Page 212 Step 7: Compromising and Negotiating......Page 214 Choosing Your Battles......Page 216 13 How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target......Page 219 Cleaning the Bugs in Your Mental Computer......Page 221 Collecting Your Thoughts in a Journal......Page 222 How to Recognize Soft-Target Thinking......Page 224 People-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets......Page 225 Approval Addiction......Page 227 Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No......Page 228 Blurry Sense of Identity......Page 229 External Locus of Control......Page 230 Identify Your Soft-Target Thoughts......Page 231 Correcting Soft-Target Thinking with Hard-Target Beliefs......Page 232 How to Correct People-Pleasing Shoulds......Page 233 How to Correct the Need to Be Nice......Page 234 How to Correct Putting Others First......Page 235 How to Correct “You Are What You Do”......Page 237 How to Correct Approval Addiction......Page 238 How to Correct Fear of Anger, Conflict, and Confrontation......Page 239 How to Correct Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No......Page 241 How to Correct a Blurry Sense of Identity......Page 242 How to Correct Low Self-Reliance......Page 244 How to Correct External Locus of Control......Page 246 Replacing Soft-Target Thoughts with Corrected Hard-Target Thoughts......Page 248 Maintaining Yourself as a Hardened Target......Page 249 14 Final Curtain on Manipulation in Five Acts......Page 251 Act One: A Tale of Two Cindys......Page 252 Act Two: Dinner at Mom’s......Page 253 Act Three: Location, Location, Location......Page 255 Act Four: Terrible Teens......Page 256 Act Five: Double Squeeze......Page 257 Conclusion......Page 259 Index......Page 261 A powerful program to stop manipulators in their tracks In Who's Pulling Your Strings? , Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, New York Times bestselling author of The Disease to Please , explains how depression, low self-esteem, anger, and feelings of helplessness can be caused by relationships with manipulative people. She exposes the most common methods of manipulators, and with the help of selfassessment quizzes, action plans, and how-to exercises, she helps you recognize and end the manipulative cycle for good. "Offers a program to free yourself from manipulators - people who control through emotional manipulation, insults, and mind games. This book helps you end a destructive relationship, understand how it occurred and prevent you from getting involved in a manipulative relationship again. It includes self-assessment quizzes and action plans." Based on sound psychological theory and research, but written in accessible lay language, this guide teaches readers to take direct action steps that will free them from the yoke of manipulation. The book contains "how to" exercises and action plans.