We're Still Family : What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce

From the cover. What is the real legacy of divorce? To answer this question, Constance Ahrons, PhD, interviewed one hundred and seventy-three grown children whose divorcing parents she had interviewed twenty years earlier for her landmark study, the basis of which was the highly acclaimed book The Good Divorce. What she has learned is both heartening and significant. Challenging the stereotype that children of divorce are emotionally troubled, drug abusing, academically challenged, and otherwise failing, Dr. Ahrons reveals that most children can and do adapt, and that many even thrive in the face of family change. Although divorce is never easy for any family, she shows that it does not have to destroy children's lives or lead to a family breakdown. With the insight of these grown children and the advice of this gifted family therapist, divorcing parents will find helpful road maps identifying both the benefits and the harms to which postdivorce children are exposed and, ultimately, what they can do to maintain family bonds

formerly With The U. Of Southern California, Ahrons Is Now An International Lecturer, Consultant, And Workshop Leader. Her 1994 Text, The Good Divorce, Was Based On A Study Of Parents And Stepparents Interviewed In The Early 80s, During The First Five Years After Divorce. Her Newest Work Reports Findings From In-depth Interviews With 173 Grown Children Of Those Divorcing Parents About Their Experiences Of Their Parents' Divorces. The Study Shows How Specific Myths About Divorce Negatively Impact Divorced Parents And Their Children, And Why They Should Be Dispelled; The Complex Changes Children Undergo After Divorce; What Worked And What Didn't For The Interviewees; And Resilience, And Why And How Some Children Thrive While Others Do Not. Academic But Accessible To The General Reader. Annotation ©2004 Book News, Inc., Portland, Or

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in 1979, Sociologist Ahrons Randomly Selected 98 Pairs Of Divorced Parents In Wisconsin For A Five-year Study. As She Reported In 1994's The Good Divorce, While Everyone Handles The Divorce Process Differently, Divorce Doesn't Destroy Families, Even If It Rearranges And Expands Them To Embrace New Members. This Reassuring Viewpoint Has Been Attacked By Researchers Like Judith Wallerstein, Who Argue That Divorce's Damage May Not Appear For A Decade Or More, When Acods (adult Children Of Divorce) Struggle Unsuccessfully To Bond With Partners. In Response, Ahrons Went Back To Her Original Research Panel To Learn How Their Children Fared. Her Team Managed To Interview An Astounding 90% Of The Original Cohort's Children. Approximately Three-fourths Of These 173 Children (now 30-somethings) Thought Their Parents' Divorces Were A Good Idea, And That Parents And Children Were Better Off Than If They'd Stayed Together. Their Comments On What Made A Difference To Them When Their Parents Were Divorcing Are Instructive. Kids Are Very Tuned Into-and Upset By-parental Warfare, So How Parents Relate To Each Other Is Key. Parents Battle Over Joint Custody Schedules, Oblivious To How Stressful The Transitioning Between Parents Can Be. Ahrons Reminds Parents It's Not The Quantity Of Time They Spend With Their Child, But The Quality Of Relationship They Establish: Reliability, Consistency And Genuine Interest In Their Lives Are What Matter Most To Children. More Prescriptive Than Descriptive, Ahrons's Supportive Guidebook Should Aid Anyone Trying To Make A Good Divorce Better. Agent, Sandra Dijkstra. (june) Forecast: Ahrons's Reassuring Book Will Appeal To Divorcees Who Want To Be Civilized And Think Positive. The Author Will Embark On A Four-city Publicity Tour. Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.

Title Page 3 Dedication Page 4 Contents 5 Introduction 7 Part One: The Truth About Divorce 19 Chapter One: No Easy Answers: Why the Popular View of Divorce Is Wrong 21 Chapter Two: The Adult Children Speak: The Real Legacy of Divorce 41 Chapter Three: Lingering Memories About Their Predivorce Family: Adult Children Look Back at Their Parents’ Marriages Before the Divorce 65 Part Two: Changes, Changes: What Our Kids Want Us to Know About What Works and What Doesn’t 81 Chapter Four: Living Arrangements: What Kids Have to Say About Their “Best Interests” 83 Chapter Five: Fathers: The Most Vulnerable Relationship and How Adult Children Work It Out 114 Chapter Six: Reinventing the Brady Bunch: How Remarriage Changes Children’s Lives 136 Chapter Seven: The Importance of Tribal Elders: Adult Children Tell Us How Parental Cooperation Matters 178 Part Three: Strengthening our Binuclear Families 209 Chapter Eight: Fostering Resilience: Helping Children Thrive in Their Postdivorce Families 211 Chapter Nine: Advice from the Front Lines: How to Script a Good Divorce 240 Postscript: A Call for Change: How Society Can Support Families after Divorce 257 Appendix: The Research 263 Notes 271 Selected References 283 Acknowledgments 287 Index 289 About the Author 300 Praise 301 Also by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. 305 Credits 306 Copyright Notice 307 About the Publisher 308