The world of football according to Athletico Mince : the book of Bob & Andy's hit podcast

Intro -- TITLE PAGE -- DEDICATION -- CONTENTS -- INTRODUCTION -- A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART ONE: THE BEGINNING YEARS -- A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY -- ANDY'S ALTERNATIVE NAMES -- A QUIET NIGHT IN WITH STEVE AND ROY -- SIX THINGS BOBBY CHARLTON LIKED TO DO WITH HIS WORLD-CLASS COMBOVER -- THE ALDERMAN'S TOFFEE -- ANIMAL MAGIC! -- REVELATIONS FROM THE SECRET SOCCER SUPERSTAR -- THE ALDERMAN AND THE SPRINTER -- FOOTBALLERS IN THE WILD (PART ONE) -- MARK LAWRENSON -- PEST CONTROLLER -- A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART TWO: THE SEVENTIES -- STEVE'S SPECIAL VISITOR JEREMY CORBYN'S TATTOO CHALLENGE -- CELEBRITY CHADWICKS -- FOOTBALLERS IN THE WILD (PART TWO) -- GANGS OF THE EPL -- THE SPURS GANG -- ROBSON AND LAWRO GO FISHING -- WHO'S THE GREATEST -- RONALDO OR MESSI? -- AN AIRBORNE KISSING MIX-UP -- A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART THREE: THE EIGHTIES -- THE SECRET SOCCER SUPERSTAR'S MYSTERY PLAYERS -- CASPER, I LOVE YOU (PART ONE) -- GANGS OF THE EPL -- THE RETURN OF THE SPURS GANG -- ROBSON AND LAWRO'S EXTREME BANGERS -- FOOTBALLERS IN THE WILD (PART THREE) -- THE FOREIGN BILLIONAIRES WHO COULD SOON BE OWNING YOUR CLUB A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART FOUR: THE NINETIES -- THE SECRET SOCCER SUPERSTAR'S MYSTERY PLAYERS (PART TWO) -- THE ALDERMAN AND THE CHARITY FOOTBALL MATCH -- IT'S MUM-AND-DAD MAYHEM IN KIDDIE-LEAGUE BRITAIN -- TOM JONES'S GOLD EXTRAVAGANCE -- JUST WHO ARE THE FA'S BANNING SQUAD? -- JEREMY CORBYN'S CREATIVE AGENCY -- GANGS OF THE EPL -- THE ARSENAL GANG -- FOOTBALLERS IN THE WILD (PART FOUR) -- CASPER, I LOVE YOU (PART TWO) -- A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART FIVE: THE NEW MILLENNIUM -- R.I.P. KENNY PEPPER -- JEREMY AND BILL'S CUBAN-CHICKEN COLLECTIVE -- CASPER, I LOVE YOU (PART THREE) GANGS OF THE EPL -- LOVELY EDDIE AT THE RIVERSIDE -- CASPER COMES HOME -- THE GOOD OLD DAYS By the Secret Soccer Superstar -- GANGS OF THE EPL -- SPURS-GANG SHOWDOWN -- THE RETURN OF STEVE'S PRIDE -- THE ALDERMAN VISITS BOB'S HOUSE -- STEVE'S RESTAURANT SHOWDOWN -- BOB'S SCOTTISH DIRGES -- A HISTORY OF FOOTBALL: PART SIX: THE MODERN GAME -- EPILOGUE -- FOOTBALL 2050: WHAT THE FUCK? -- COPYRIGHT For the first book inspired by their wildly popular podcast, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson considered producing an authoritative guide to the past, present and future world of football. But, as in the podcast, they got a bit side-tracked - as well as bringing you some (more or less) completely genuine football facts, Bob and Andy speculate about the lifestyle of baked bean-loving, yellow snake-owning ex-England boss Steve McClaren, and investigate the 'Gangs of the EPL', where football meets infantile bullying. There's also input from the Secret Soccer Superstar - a former player who lifts the lid on what it's really like to be a top, top pro - and the lyrics from some of Bob's most memorable Scottish songs, so that you can sing them to your children, elderly relatives or, indeed, yourself, should you need to be soothed after learning about Robson Green's Extreme Bangers. In summary, it's a bit of a mess - but - it's a beautiful, glorious, hilarious mess... and if you're not reduced to at least one convulsion while reading it, Bob and Andy are going to be very disappointed with you. In fact, they might come round to your house and force you to KISS THE ALDERMAN. 'If you like football but despair of its endless, humourless self- importance, you'll love this.' THE GUARDIAN The secret behind Sunderland's recent run of good form has been Howard Wilkinson's unique pre-match team talks, according to an insider. 'They take the form of riddles' says an unnamed player. 'For instance, before our recent hard-fought draw at Anfield, he simply stood up and said "I am fowl but not a bird, I am loud but seldom heard, I am rich but have no clothes, I am stooped but am not old. What am I?"' 'You could have heard a pin drop. After that we just had to get out on the pitch and defend for our lives for ninety minutes.'