The Three Fates of Henrik Nordmark: A Novel

Henrik Nordmark is a bald, middle-aged security guard with few friends and no romantic possibilities. Tired of being the weed sprouting out of the wallflower, generic in his generality, Henrik has an epiphany. He will have one moment of inimitable distinction, even if it kills him. Henrik first sets out to experience the throes of addiction, then to become virtuous, and barring this to be known as a public menace. Inevitably he resolves to find true love and fails miserably. Along his journey, Henrik inadvertently becomes the target of a team of elderly assassins – one blind, one deaf, and the other mute. Henrik's counterpart is Roland, a young office worker who, thinking he's won the lottery, dumps his girlfriend and casts aside his friends. He addresses an email to the company where he works: “Dear Heartless Bastards ...” Soon Roland's entire world – the fictional one he'd built up in his mind – comes crashing down to painful reality. Henrik's and Roland's lives intertwine with that of a young couple, the aptly named Bonnie and Clyde, two formerly star-crossed lovers who have grown to loathe each other. Bonnie and Clyde now have homicidal intent in their hearts, but do they have the cleverness or proficiency to pull off their respective crimes? The characters'lives all come together in a crescendo in which Henrik realizes his true purpose on earth. CBC Canada Reads 2009 Runner-Up Barnes and Noble Discover Great New Writers Selection "Hilarious and gentle.” — Booklist “Beguilingly alive.” — Seattle Times “Laugh-out-loud funny.” — NOW “Bracingly off-centre.” — Globe & Mail “Lovely and odd.” — Kirkus Review “Sweet, tart and forbidden in all the right places” — Entertainment Weekly When the world feels dark and hopeless, curl up with this heartwarming, laugh-out-loud hilarious book, full of love and warmth in the midst of a difficult and unwieldy world. What do you get when you cross the Virgin Mary with Brooke Shields, add a trash-talking beauty queen wannabe and throw in a couple of talking nipples? One of the most laugh-out-loud books you’ll read all year. Peter Paddington is 13, overweight, the subject of his classmates’ ridicule, and the victim of too many bad movie-of-the-week storylines. When Peter’s nipples begin speaking to him one day and inform him of their diabolical plan to expose his secret desires to the world, Peter finds himself cornered in a world that seems to have no tolerance for difference. Peter’s only solace is “The Bedtime Movies” — perfect-world fantasies that lull him to sleep every night. But when the lines between Peter’s fantasy world and his reality begin to blur, no one is safe from the depths of Peter’s imagination — especially Peter himself. “ Overqualified 's cover letters are like a slap in the face, but the slap is hilarious, and you can't stop laughing, and as soon as it’s over you want to tell all your friends about the slap. You know the kind?” — Ryan North, Dinosaur Comics “Joey Comeau’s Overqualified is Judy Blume’s Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret as chewed up and spit out by J. G. Ballard....A book whose melancholy is leavened by a surprising hilarity.” — Paul Di Filippo author of The Steampunk Trilogy and Cosmocopia Cover letters are all the same. They’re useless. You write the same lies over and over again, listing the store-bought parts of yourself that you respect the least. God knows how they tell anyone apart, but this is how it's done. And then one day a car comes out of nowhere, and suddenly everything changes and you don’t know if he’ll ever wake up. You get out of bed in the morning, and when you sit down to write another paint-by-numbers cover letter, something entirely different comes out. You start threatening instead of begging. You tell impolite jokes. You talk about your childhood and your sexual fantasies. You sign your real name and you put yourself honestly into letter after letter and there is no way you are ever going to get this job. Not with a letter like this. And you send it anyway. 'Overqualified's cover letters are like a slap in the face, but the slap is hilarious, and you can't stop laughing, and as soon as it's over you want to tell all your friends about the slap. You know the kind?'— Ryan North, Dinosaur Comics'Joey Comeau's Overqualified is Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret as chewed up and spit out by J. G. Ballard.... A book whose melancholy is leavened by a surprising hilarity.” — Paul Di Filippo, author of The Steampunk Trilogy and Cosmocopia Cover letters are all the same. They're useless. You write the same lies over and over again, listing the store-bought parts of yourself that you respect the least. God knows how they tell anyone apart, but this is how it's done. And then one day a car comes out of nowhere, and suddenly everything changes and you don't know if he'll ever wake up. You get out of bed in the morning, and when you sit down to write another paint-by-numbers cover letter, something entirely different comes out. You start threatening instead of begging. You tell impolite jokes. You talk about your childhood and your sexual fantasies. You sign your real name and you put yourself honestly into letter after letter and there is no way you are ever going to get this job. Not with a letter like this. And you send it anyway. A man reflects on family memories—that may or may not be true—in this novel of “sharply composed vignettes with a keen sense of timing and humor” (Publishers Weekly). Ben is an artist closing in on forty, and it’s hard for him to be sure about the past. His parents are both dead, and his brother, who has mental issues, is a lousy source of information. So when Ben finds himself with a particularly persistent memory that keeps nagging at him, he doesn’t know where to turn to answer the question: Did his mother really assassinate a prominent neo-Nazi? In a novel that “shows maturity of vision without sacrificing the childish sense of play and absurdity his readers expect from him,” Stuart Ross sends Ben ranging through childhood summers at an Ontario cottage, teenage alienation in a Toronto suburb, a disastrous college career, and the calamity that precipitates his brother’s institutionalization—as he tries to sort through the events of his life, both real and surreal (The Globe and Mail, Toronto). “A writer with an original sensibility.” —The Vancouver Sun Stripmalling is the story of one young man's embarrassing and hilarious journey to literary awareness. Jonny lives and works in a strip mall in suburban Winnipeg. For some people, this would be an exciting and fulfilling life. But Jonny has a dream: he wants to be a writer. He has almost everything he needs to make this dream come true: a supportive girlfriend, an active imagination, and an abundance of subject matter. There is only one obstacle: his own relentless stupidity. Imagine Proust without all those annoying words and insights. Imagine a book so funny, so clever that even just touching it makes you a smarter, better person. Part journal, part comedy routine, and part graphic novel, Stripmalling is a unique experiment in genre and voice that is ambitious, accessible and laugh-out-loud funny. Parts of Stripmalling have appeared on CBC Radio One's All in a Weekend and in THIS Magazine, filling Station, Word, Event, Matrix, sub-Terrain, and Opium. Longing to break out of his dreary existence, Henrik Nordmarka bald, middle-aged security guard with few friends and no romantic possibilitiesis determined to experience one moment of inimitable distinction, even if it kills him. His quest for authentic experience leads him to the throes of addiction, virtuous recovery, and disenchanted notoriety as a public menace. When his attempts at courtship and romance falter, he inadvertently becomes the target of a team of elderly assassinsone blind, one deaf, and the other mute. Alongside his impulsive young office mate Roland, who chucks everything in the mistaken belief that he has won the lottery, Henrik becomes entangled with a pair of star-crossed, disenchanted lovebirds named Bonnie and Clyde who now want to kill each other. The comic hysteria reaches a crescendo in which Henrik finally realizes his purpose on earth. ?Ben is a performance artist about to enter his forties. His father and mother are both dead, and his brother, Jake, is a lousy source of information. So when he begins to struggle with a particularly nagging memory, he doesnâ#x80;#x99;t know where to turn. The memory: the assassination Â#x97; by his mother Â#x97; of a prominent neo-Nazi. In a non-chronological montage of memories, Ben travels back and forth through the events of his life, some of which seemed trivial at the time but are important now: his childhood summers at a cottage in central Ontario, his teenage years in a Toronto suburb, his disastrous university career, the calamity that precipitated his brotherâ#x80;#x99;s institutionalization. Stuart Rossâ#x80;#x99;s first novel is a blend of suburban realism and out-of-body surrealism Thirteen-year-old Peter Paddington Is Overweight, The Subject Of His Classmates' Ridicule, And The Victim Of Too Many Bad Movie-of-the-week Storylines. When His Nipples Begin Speaking To Him One Day And Inform Him Of Their Diabolical Plan To Expose His Secret Desires, Peter Finds Himself Cornered In A World That Seems To Have No Tolerance For Difference. Peter's Only Solace Is The Bedtime Movies - Perfect-world Fantasies That Lull Him To Sleep Every Night. But When The Lines Between Peter's Fantasies And His Reality Begin To Blur, His Hilarious Adventures In Overeating, Family Dysfunction, And The Terrifying World Of Sexual Awakening Really Begin. Told entirely through job application letters, this starkly humorous story follows Joey as he halfheartedly looks for a job. With his younger brother Adrian in the hospital after being hit by a drunk driver, Joey cant seem to muster up the energy or focus to properly market his prior work experience. While writing cover letter after cover letter, using all of the right marketing buzzwords, something in Joey snapsthe letters become less about gaining employment and more about emotional release. Anecdotes about his childhood, his hopes and fears, his girlfriend, and his family's response to Ad Part graphic novel, part journal, this tale follows one young man's embarrassing and hilarious journey to literary awareness. Jonny lives and works in a suburban strip mall but dreams of being a writer. He already possesses most of the elements needed to realize his dream—a supportive girlfriend, an active imagination, and an abundance of subject matter—but nonetheless finds his literary pursuits impeded by his own relentless stupidity. From big-box capitalism to growing up in the 21st century, Jonny's irreverent musings are captivating and deceivingly wise. Struggling with the sudden, nagging notion that his mother once assassinated a prominent neo-Nazi leader, Ben--a performance artist, about to turn 40--doesn't know where to turn. His parents are both dead and his brother, having previously been institutionalized, is a lousy source of information. In a non-chronological montage of memories, this inventive tale blends suburban realism with out-of-body surrealism as Ben travels back and forth through life events, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together