The Emotionally Absent Mother : A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed

Was your mother too busy, too tired, or too checked-out to provide you with the nurturing you needed as a child? Men and women who were “undermothered” as children often struggle with intimate relationships, in part because of their unmet need for maternal care. __The Emotionally Absent Mother__ will help you understand what was missing from your childhood, how this relates to your mother’s own history, and how you can fill the “mother gap” by: * Examining the past with compassion for yourself and your mother * Finding the child inside of you and learning to mother yourself * Opening to the archetype of the Good Mother * Allowing friends and loved ones to provide support, guidance, and other elements of good mothering that you missed Through reflections, exercises, and clear explanations, psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori helps adult sons and daughters heal the wounds left by mothers who failed to provide the essential ingredients that every child needs. She traces perceived personal “defects” back to mothering __deficits__, relieving self-blame. And, by teaching today’s undermothered adults to cultivate the mothering they missed, she helps them secure a happier future—for themselves and their children. Table of Contents Praise Also by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC Title Page Dedication Introduction Chapter 1. - Mothering Mother as the tree of life Mommy is what we are made of Who can mother? The good-enough mother Good Mother messages What happens when Good Mother messages are absent? What does it mean to be undermothered? Chapter 2. - The Many Faces of the Good Mother Mother as Source Mother as Place of Attachment Mother as First Responder Mother as Modulator Mother as Nurturer Mother as Mirror Mother as Cheerleader Mother as Mentor Mother as Protector Mother as Home Base Chapter 3. - Attachment: Our First Foundation How do we become attached, and what is secure attachment? Why is attachment so important? How can I know if I was securely attached to my mother? What if I wasn’t securely attached? How would that look? What is attachment-related trauma? Maybe I wasn’t securely attached to my mother, but is it really fair to hold ... Can I still develop secure attachments if I’ve only partially done so in the ... Identifying attachment figures What is my attachment style? Can I have more than one style? Does my relationship with my mother really affect later relationships? How difficult is it to change attachment patterns? Chapter 4. - More Building Blocks Feeling safe and secure A happy home When things go wrong, they can be fixed! A sense of belonging The budding self A place to grow Support for being a child Touch Love is the medium, love is the message Chapter 5. - Mommy, Where Were You? The hole where Mother was supposed to be The need for Mother’s physical presence What happens when Mother is not emotionally present? Mutual standoff Thirty possible reasons Mother wasn’t there How a child interprets Mommy’s absence When Mother is the only one there Original Loss Chapter 6. - Voices of the Under mothered Who was that masked woman? Slim pickin’s from Mom Lack of mentoring Missed connections The mechanical mom Is anyone watching? Does anyone care? Clueless No place to go for help Feeling like a motherless child No mother, no self No anchor Common challenges of the undermothered What helps Chapter 7. - Healing Mother Wounds The cover-up Discovering the wound Reframing “defects” as deficits Working through your feelings Journaling The healing power of anger Leaving the past Chapter 8. - Psychotherapy: Mother Issues and Mothering Needs Parallels with the Good Mother Special considerations in attachment-oriented work Touch in therapy Re-mothering From isolation to secure attachment Therapist as “Teaching Mommy” Chapter 9. - Connecting with Good Mother Energy Opening to the Good Mother Archetypes Working with imagery and symbols Help from the Divine Mother Taking on the “good” of the Good Mother A second chance at finding a Good Mother Meeting mothering needs with partners Your portable Good Mother Chapter 10. - Inner Child Work An introduction to inner child work The child as mother to the self “Parts work” Becoming your own best mother Creating a safe place for the child Time together Working with Good Mother messages Healing the unloved child Changing your mind Chapter 11. - More Healing Steps and Practical Strategies Identifying specific “holes” Taking a proactive approach The hole of support Getting support now A sense of confidence Navigating the world of emotions A place in the web Showing up and being seen Embracing your needs Practicing good self-care Cultivating a capacity for intimacy Protecting what is precious Finding your power Stepping out of deprivation consciousness General tonics Chapter 12. - Changing the Story Your mother’s story Your story The dance between you How do I not pass this along to my children? What about Mother? Holding your process/holding your self Does healing ever end? Appendix - Be Kind to Yourself: Practicing Good Self-Care During Times of ... Notes Resources Acknowledgements Index About the Author Copyright Page Was your mother too busy, too tired, or too checked-out to provide you with the nurturing you needed as a child? Men and women who were ?undermothered? as children often struggle with intimate relationships, in part because of their unmet need for maternal care. The Emotionally Absent Mother will help you understand what was missing from your childhood, how this relates to your mother{u2019}s own history, and how you can fill the ?mother gap? by: Examining the past with compassion for yourself and your mother Finding the child inside of you and learning to mother yourself Opening to the archetype of the Good Mother Allowing friends and loved ones to provide support, guidance, and other elements of good mothering that you missed Through reflections, exercises, and clear explanations, psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori helps adult sons and daughters heal the wounds left by mothers who failed to provide the essential ingredients that every child needs. She traces perceived personal ?defects? back to mothering deficits, relieving self-blame. And, by teaching today{u2019}s undermothered adults to cultivate the mothering they missed, she helps them secure a happier future{u2014}for themselves and their children Popular Psychology. If Your Mother Was Too Tired, Too Busy, Or Too Checked Out To Provide All The Nurturing You Needed For A Strong Foundation, This Book Is For You. It Will Help You Identify What Was Missing, How This Relates To Your Mother's Own History And Make-up, And What You Can Do Now To Fill The Holes That Were Left By The Mother Who Wasn't Fully There. In The Emotionally Absent Mother, Licensed Psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori Provides Clear Ways To Sort Through Your Emotions And To Heal The Past. She Shows That What You Thought Of As Personal Defects Can Sometimes Be Linked To Mothering Deficits, Relieving Self-blame. And She Offers Suggestions For How These Missing Elements Can Be Made Up For Now--whether Through Therapy, Close Relationships, Or By Providing Them For Yourself. If your mother was too tired, too busy, or too checked out to provide all the nurturing you needed for a strong foundation, this book is for you. It will help you identify what was missing, how this relates to your mother's own history and make-up, and what you can do now to fill the holes that were left by the mother who wasn't fully there. In "The Emotionally Absent Mother," licensed psychotherapist Jasmine Lee Cori provides clear ways to sort through your emotions and to heal the past. She shows that what you thought of as personal "defects" can sometimes be linked to mothering "deficits," relieving self-blame. And she offers suggestions for how these missing elements can be made up for "now"--Whether through therapy, close relationships, or by providing them for yourself Cori addresses the psychological wounds that get inflicted by emotionally absent mothers. Often, the grown children of such mothers can't quite put a finger on what's missing from their lives, but struggle with relationships and their own self-worth. But there are steps they can take to identify their inner strengths and heal attachment wounds.