The Complete Idiot's Guide to Verbal Self-Defense : Quick and Easy Guidance for Standing Your Ground

COVER 1 Copyright © 1999 Lillian Glass, Ph. D. 6 CONTENTS AT A GLANCE 9 CONTENTS 14 FOREWORD 38 INTRODUCTION. 39 PART 1 IDENTIFYING THE VERBALLY VENOMOUS OPPONENT 45 Chapter 1 Identifying the Verbally Venomous Opponent 46 Stop, Look, and Listen — Sizing Up Your Opponent. 46 20/ 20 Hindsight 47 Freeze and Focus 48 Reading Between the Lines 48 Looking Between the Lines Quiz 1. 49 Telltale Eyes 51 Here's Looking ( or Not Looking) at You, Kid! 52 Face Off 54 Telltale Mouth 55 Body Talk 57 Keep Your Distance! 57 Stand Up! 58 Armed with Arms and Hands. 58 Hand- to- Hand Combat 60 Listening Between the Lines 60 Telling Tones 61 Squeaking or Leaking? 61 Tones Ready to Verbally Attack You 62 The Mouse That Roars. 62 " Tha tha that's all, folks!" 62 Where's the Foghorn? 63 Thylvesther the Cat Thaid What? 63 Slow Down, I Can't Keep Up! 64 Aren't You Done Yet? 64 The Rain in Spain Lies Mainly in the Plain. 64 Chapter 2 Knowing When You've Been Verbally Zapped 66 What Are They Really Saying to You? 66 You Were Not " Only Kidding" 67 What's the Matter? Cat Got Your Tongue? 68 If He Says He's a Jerk, Believe Him 69 Beware, You're Next! 69 They Don't Really Mean That! 70 Warning! You've Been Exposed to a Verbal Health Hazard 70 Verbal Abuse — the Silent Killer 72 Quiz to Determine Exposure to Verbal Abuse 73 What Do Your Answers Mean? 74 Ouch, It Hurts! The Physical Pain of Verbal Abuse. 76 Head Games Lead to Heart Pains. 78 Shrinking Verbal Abuse — Psychological Pain 80 Chapter 3 Verbal Abusers Are Losers 84 Categorizing the Verbal Abuser 84 Level One Abusers 85 The " I'm Only Kidding" Person 85 The " Shock ' Em and Rock ' Em" Person 86 The Sarcastic/ Sadistic Person. 87 The Verbal Hammers Person 87 " My Dog's Bigger Than Your Dog" People. 89 The Trashers 89 People Who Throw Back Your Confidences 90 The Sugary Fawner 91 Backhanded Complimentors 92 The Self- Consumed. 92 Level Two Abusers 93 Interrogators 93 Gossiping, Meddling Instigators 95 Condescending Dismissers 95 Sneaky Underminers. 95 " I Love You — I Hate You" People 96 " You're No Good!" People. 97 Yellers, Screamers, and Ragers 97 Verbal Nazis — My Way or Else! 97 Guilt- Producing Accusers 98 Liars 98 Verbal Icicles 99 Chapter 4 Verbal Murder — How and Why? 101 What Is Verbal Murder? 101 Who Are Verbal Murderers? 101 Identifying the Verbal Abusers in Your Life 102 When Do Verbal Abusers Turn into Verbal Murderers? 104 Why Does Verbal Murder Happen? 106 Unconscious Reasons for Verbal Murder 106 Hey! Don't Take It Out on Me! 106 Hey! We're Not All Like That! 106 I'm Not That Toxic Person in Your Past! 107 Green with Envy! 107 I Really Don't Deserve to Be That Happy! 109 I Don't Trust Anybody — Including You! 109 Conscious Reasons for Verbal Murder 110 They Just Plain Can't Stand You! 110 They Know You Really Don't Like Them 110 What's the Use? 110 Gimme the Reins — I Need to Control You! 110 You're Incompetent! 112 I Just Don't Believe in You! 112 I Don't Want You to Be Ahead of Me! 113 Who Said You Can Be That Happy and Lucky? 115 They Did It to Me — Now It's Your Turn! 115 Consequences of Being a Verbal Murderer 117 PART 2 PREPARING TO VERBALLY DEFEND YOURSELF 119 Chapter 5 Analyzing Your Strengths and Weaknesses 120 How Others See You Does Matter! 120 How Do You Come Across to Others? 121 The General Consensus About You Is… 122 Putting Others to the Test 122 Equipment You Need to Objectively Examine Yourself 126 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall. 126 No Lies on Videotape 127 Record a Call 127 A Picture Says a Thousand Words 129 Getting Emotionally Naked 129 Stand Up and Walk the Walk! 130 The Stance of Power. 130 The Walk of Authority 134 I Have to Hand It to You 136 I Have to Hand It to You 136 Dead Head? 136 About Face! 138 Eye Deal 140 Is Your Mouth Goin' South? 140 Ouch! My Ears Hurt Listening to You! 141 Air Born 141 Pitching Your Voice 143 It's Quality We're After! 143 Twisting Your Tongue 145 Pump Up the Volume! Drown the Sound! 145 How Fast Were You Going? 145 The Nose Knows. 145 Are You Talking to Me? 145 Twisting Your Tongue 145 Chapter 6 Gaining the Physical Edge 148 Postural Defense — Staking Out Your Presence 149 1. Stand Up Straight, Without a Leg Up! 149 2. Bottoms Up! 151 3. Straighten Up and Back Up! 151 4. Heads Up! 151 Walk Up! 151 Sit Up! 153 Uptight? Lighten Up! 153 Up in Arms! 154 Hands Up! 154 Shake Up! 156 Touch Up! 157 Face Up! 158 Charming, Disarming Smile. 159 Kissin' Up! 159 Slipping Up or Messing Up? It All Adds Up and You End Up…! 161 Chapter 7 Gaining the Verbal Advantage 163 Defensive Breathing. 164 Relaxation Breathing: In — Hold — Out Control! 166 Mind- Clearing Breaths 167 Listening Through Breathing 167 Marrying Your Breathing with Your Talking 169 Vocal Defense 169 Your Most Overlooked Organ — Your Voice Box. 169 Speak — Don't Squeak! 172 Yawning — Opening Up the Throat for a Smooth Voice 173 I Can't Hear You! 174 Stop Turning Me Off! 174 Stop Putting Me to Sleep with Your Boring Voice! 176 Whining No More 177 The Stuffed- Up Nose 177 Tasting Your Sounds 179 Kicking Key Consonants 179 Vowel Control. 181 Demolishing Disgusting Habits 181 Vowel Control. 181 Say It — Don't Spray It! 181 Swallow Already! 182 Slow Down! It's Not the Grand Prix. 183 Quiet! My Ears Can't Take It! 183 Spit It Out Already! 183 Hints to Help Control Your Stuttering 185 Chapter 8 Communication Skill Defense 186 Who in the World Are You? 186 " Who Are You?" Quiz. 187 The Results of Who You Are 192 Keys to Gaining the Upper Hand 192 You Gotta Like You! 192 Don't Like Something About Yourself? Change It! 192 The Results of Who You Are 192 Talk Nice to You and Others Will Too 194 Cancel That! 194 The Power of the Word — What a Surprise! 195 Thoughts in Your Head 195 Open Your Mind! 195 Open Your Heart! 196 Tactics Used to Promote Verbal Peace with Others 196 Speak Up Immediately! 196 Monitor Your Mouth 198 Pay Attention to Trigger Words and Phrases. 198 Terms of Endearment 199 Let Them Speak Their Piece 199 Enough About You Already! 201 Mind Your Own Business! 201 Respect Should Be Your Mantra 202 Don't Like the Answer? Then Don't Ask the Question. 203 Chapter 9 Confident Conversation 204 The Real Secret of Talking to Anyone 204 Understanding the Four Steps of Confident Conversation 205 Confident Pre- Conversation. 205 Smile All the While 207 Do It Anyway! 207 You Die When You're Shy! 209 Only a Fool Plays It Cool! 209 Initiating a Confident Conversation. 210 Maintaining a Confident Conversation 210 Ask, Ask, and Keep Asking! 211 Elaborate — Don't Interrogate! 211 Talk Back! 212 Getting Deeper and Deeper. 212 What Shall We Talk About? 212 Know What You're Talking About! 215 Bingo! You Got the Lingo! 215 Talking Ethnic 216 It's Over — I Wanna Go Now 218 Don't Be a Liar — Follow Up Immediately! 220 Never Say You'll Call If You Don't Mean It! 220 PART 3 VERBAL DEFENSE STRATEGIES TO USE IN COMBAT 222 Chapter 10 Verbal Defense Strategies 223 Entering the Verbal Combat Zone. 223 A Verbal Weakling No More! 224 Verbally Pumping Up 224 Imaginary Conversation Strategy 224 Through the Looking Glass 226 Knowing When to Attack Back 228 What Your Answers Mean. 228 Keep Your Eyes and Ears Open at All Times 231 Make a Choice and Make It Now 231 Picking Your Strategy 233 The Verbal Artist Has Complete Control! 233 Chapter 11 Letting Them Know They've Overstepped Their Verbal Boundaries 235 Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare 235 The Look of Disgust Strategy 237 Let It Go — Breathe and Blow Strategy 239 Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy — Like Columbo 241 Talk Back 241 " The Joke's on You" — Funny Bone Strategy 245 Love ' Em Up Strategy 246 Gentle- Toned Name Repetition 246 Hush Hush Strategy. 248 Let the Baby Have Her Bottle Strategy 248 Hand- Holding Fighting Strategy 248 Hush Hush Strategy. 248 Heart- in- Hand Strategy 250 " What's Good About You" Strategy 250 Chapter 12 When More Powerful Weaponry Is Needed 253 Never Walk Away When You Have Something to Say! 253 Protecting the Other Cheek 254 Don't Just Stand There — Do Something! 254 Protecting the Other Cheek 254 Verbally Setting Firm Limits 256 " This Is Unacceptable!" 257 " Excuse Me? Are You Talkin' to Me?" 259 Strategy of Loud Verbal Explosions! 259 Fight Clean and Fair! 259 " Excuse Me? Are You Talkin' to Me?" 259 Keep It Above the Belt 261 Never, Ever Use Physical Violence! 261 Keep It Above the Belt 261 Never, Ever Use Physical Violence! 261 Fantasy Strategy — an Alternative to Physical Violence. 262 Never Threaten One's Basic Needs! 262 Keep Your Cool 263 Verbally Mirroring the Foe Strategy 263 Talk Back 265 " Give ' Em Hell and Yell" Strategy. 267 Chapter 13 Enough Is Enough! Knowing When to Retreat 269 Three Strikes and You're Out! 270 Yes, But… 270 Yes, But… 270 I Say " Yes," You Say " No" 272 You Finally Got the Message! 274 Noooooo! Don't Do It! 274 Help!!! Emergency!!! 276 Throwaways 276 Talk Back Comforter says: 278 No Stalkers or Fatal Attractions Allowed! 280 Mourning and Waking Up Renewed in the Morning. 280 When You're on the Verbal Merry- Go- Round 282 Forgiving Yourself Right Now! 282 Make Yourself Feel Reeeeal Good! 282 PART 4 VERBAL WARFARE WITH SPECIFIC PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE 287 Chapter 14 Gaining the Winning Verbal Edge Between the Sexes 288 What's the Real Deal? 289 Learning to Be Bilingual 289 Once Upon a Time There Was an Infant Boy and Girl 290 There's Only One Brain! 290 What Shall We Talk About? 292 He Says — She Thinks! She Says — He Thinks! 292 No- No Scenario 1 293 No- No Scenario 2 293 No- No Scenario 3 295 No- No Scenario 4 295 No- No Scenario 5. 295 He Says — He Means! She Says — She Means! 297 Scenario 1 Shoulda Said 297 Scenario 2 Shoulda Said 297 Scenario 3 Shoulda Said. 299 Scenario 4 Shoulda Said 299 Scenario 3 Shoulda Said. 299 Scenario 4 Shoulda Said 299 Scenario 5 Shoulda Said 299 Oh! So That's What You Meant! 301 Basic Male 101 301 Basic Female 101 305 See What I Mean? 306 What Men Need to Do 308 What Women Need to Do 309 Saving You a Lot of Grief! 310 Chapter 15 Blood Is Not Always Thicker Than Water! 313 Defense Against Verbally Abusive Parents 313 Long- Lasting Effects 314 Your Best Bet! 314 Defense Against Verbally Abusive Siblings 316 Too Close for Comfort 316 Your Best Bet! 317 Verbal Defense with Teens 317 Talk Back Mom: 318 Trash Talkin' Teens 318 Expect to Hear This from Your Teen 319 Verbal Defense with School- Aged Kids. 321 Best Bet: Set Limits Immediately! 321 Parental Verbal Control 322 Best Bets: Ask Your Child If She Wants to Go Somewhere with You 323 Verbal Defense with Pre- Schoolers 323 Verbal Defense in Utero 323 Verbal Defense with Infants and Toddlers. 324 Terrible Twos Are Verbally Terrific! 324 Talking to Children Who Act Out Verbally 325 Your Best Bet: Children of This Age Crave Respect 326 Cursing Kids. 327 Chapter 16 Verbal Warfare with Specific People in Your Life 329 Verbal Self- Defense Techniques for Various Groups 329 Invasive Strangers 330 " Friends" 330 Enemies 331 Customer Service Representatives. 331 People Entrusted with Yourself or Your Property 332 Salespeople, Store Clerks, and Realtors 334 Why Did They Do It? 334 What Else You Can Do! 336 People Who Serve You 336 There's No Excuse! 337 When You Can Afford to Make a Scene 339 People Who Don't Speak Your Language 341 Professionals and Authority Figures. 342 Verbally Toxic Employers 342 Verbal Medical and Dental Disasters 344 PART 5 VERBAL COMBAT AGAINST VERBAL ABUSERS 346 Chapter 17 Verbal Combat Against Annoying Verbal Abusers. 347 Mumble Jumble 347 Sonic Boomers! 348 Meek, Weak, and Squeak 350 Baby- Voiced and Cutsie- Wootsie 350 Talk Back 353 Where to Direct a Person with an Annoying Voice 353 The Monotonous Drone. 355 The Fast Talker 357 Name- Dropper 357 The Know- It- All 358 SlangGangers. 360 Conversation Hogs 361 Repeat, Repeating, Repeaters 361 Wordy Ones 363 The Whiner 363 Chapter 18 Verbal Combat Against Painful Verbal Abusers 366 Verbal Abuse Can Actually Make You Nauseous! 366 The Verbally Dead 367 Verbal Vomiters 369 Sugary Sweet Phonies 370 Talk Back 372 Poor- Poor Me. 372 " Fibbers" 374 *%#&@ Cussers! 374 Me, Me, Me 376 The Anointed One Has Spoken! 377 Chapter 19 Verbal Combat Against Dangerous Verbal Abusers 381 Proceed With Extreme Caution! 381 Lambs to Lions 382 Control Freaks 382 Backstabbing Enviers 384 Talk Back 386 Hitting- Below- the- Belt Abusers. 386 Talk Back 388 Verbal Interrogators 388 Talk Back: Snappy Comebacks for Verbal Interrogators 390 Fanatics and Zealots 390 Yes- Yes Do- Nothings 392 Talk Back Snappy Comebacks for Yes- Yes Do- Nothings 394 The Mentally/ Verbally Disturbed 395 Racist, Sexist, Verbal Xenophobes 397 Verbal Lumberjacks. 398 Talk Back Verbal Lumberjack ( VL): 400 Nosybodies 400 PART 6 DODGING VERBAL BULLETS IN SPECIFIC BATTLEFIELDS 403 Chapter 20 Verbal Defense over the Telephone 404 Pesky Persistent Telephone Sales Calls. 405 Slick Willy 407 Unhelpful Helpers 408 Go Ahead — Blame It on the Phone! 409 Oh No! I Need Some New Eardrums! 410 Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? 410 What in the World Did They Say? 410 Help! I'm Gonna Drown in a Sea of Words! 410 I Gotta Go, I Gotta Go, I Gotta Go, I Gotta Go! 411 I Got Your Machine! You Sound Silly! 413 Time to Change the Message. 413 Making a Great Message 415 Phone Munching 415 Choose — Them or Me? 416 A Return Call Would Be Nice! 417 Stop Calling Already! 417 Chapter 21 Verbal Self- Defense in Sticky Situations. 420 I'm So Humiliated! 421 Ouch! Those Coals Are Hot! 421 It's Not So Funny When It's Me! 421 Burning Brunts of Jokes. 423 You Don't Like Me! You Really Don't Like Me! 425 When Someone Says Something Mean or Sarcastic to You 429 Oh No! Tell Me This Is Just a Bad Dream! 429 Please, I Beg You, Please Don't Tell Them That! 431 There Are No Representatives in This House of Speakers! 431 Hey! Butt Out! 432 You're Really Nice After All! 432 You Said What About Me? 432 Keep Your Opinions to Yourself! 434 Are You Mute or Something? 434 Stop Kvetching Already! 435 Speaking in Different Languages 435 What Am I, a Bank? 437 What Part of the Word " No" Don't You Understand? 437 Tactfully Telling Someone About Body Odor 437 Someone Who Never Gets the Bill. 438 Chapter 22 Verbal Self- Defense in More Difficult Situations 440 Breaking the Bad News 440 You're Not the Only One! 441 Talking to the Grieving. 443 Dying with Love! 443 Gotcha! 445 Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! I'll Never Admit I'm a Liar! 447 Sweet Talkin' " Ear Candy" 447 Sexually and Racially Incorrect 449 Come On! Just a Little Bite! 451 Enough About My Weight Already! 451 That's My Friend You're Talking About! 451 You Don't Know What You're Talking About! 453 Talking to Those with Speaking Challenges. 453 Talking to Those with Hearing Challenges 454 Talking to the Physically Challenged 454 Talking to the Mentally III 454 No — Not You! 456 I Admit It! I Did It! 456 Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover! 458 Chapter 23 Verbal Self- Defense Can Save Your Life! 460 Listen for Verbal Red Flags! 461 What You Hear Is Not Always What You Get! 461 Listening Between the Lines. 462 Put a Lid on It! 462 I Wouldn't Mouth Off If I Were You! 463 Your Speech Is a Loaded Gun 463 Topics That, When Mentioned in Anger, Can Declare Verbal War 464 Road Rage! Theater Rage! Outrage! 464 Topics That, When Mentioned in Anger, Can Declare Verbal War 464 Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! 466 I Said No Talkin'!! 466 Reason Before You Start Teasin' 467 Tones Can Kill 467 You're Ok, I'm Ok. Ok, You're Ok. 468 Non- Words Can Kill 468 Your Mouth Can Save Your Life 470 Verbal Kicks, Vocal Chops, Tonal Blocks 470 Be Nice! 470 To Catch a Thief! 471 Rape. 471 Date Rape 472 Sex Talk — Before It Gets Too Hot to Handle! 472 Wear a What? 474 Talk Back: Excuses for a Man Not Wearing a Condom 474 Chapter 24 Verbally Defending You Against You! 476 What Did You Say? That's What They Think! 477 Verbalize! No Complaints! Fix What You Hate! 478 Never Let the " Cat Get Your Tongue" 479 Quashing Your Negative Words About You 481 Losing the Verbal War by Trashing Your Family! 483 Winning by Letting It Leak! 484 Losing the Verbal Battle by Recycling the Word 484 Verbal Defeat Through Verbal Ecstasy — Why Tellin' All Feels Soooo Good! 486 Don't Blame! Extinguish the Flame! 487 Making Amends Verbally 487 No More Verbal Hypocrisy — a Clean Battlefield 488 Winning the War Through Verbal Gifts! 489 APPENDIX A RESOURCES 491 References for Speech Pathologists. 491 References for Speech Pathologists. 491 References for Psychological Services 492 APPENDIX B TO ORDER DR. GLASS' PRODUCTS 495 VISA, MC, CHECK, or MONEY ORDER 495 OR YOU CAN PLACE A TELEPHONE ORDER 495 OR SEND AN E- MAIL 495 **** ALL PRICES INCLUDE TAX, SHIPPING, AND HANDLING**** 495 Emotional Feelings 495 Mending Hearts 495 Attracting Terrific People — How to Find and Keep the People Who Bring Your Life Joy! 495 Toxic People — 10 Ways To Handle People Who Make Your Life Miserable 495 He Says/ She Says — Closing the Communication Gap Between The Sexes 497 Talk To Win: 6 Steps To A Successful Vocal Image 497 World of Words 497 How to Deprogram Your Valley Girl 497 Speak for Success 497 He Says/ She Says — Closing the Communication Gap Between The Sexes 497 Talk To Win: 6 Steps To A Successful Vocal Image 497 World of Words 497 How to Deprogram Your Valley Girl 497 Speak for Success 497 INDEX 499 A 499 B 503 C 506 B 503 C 506 D 514 D 514 E 517 F 520 E 517 F 520 G. 522 H 523 I 524 G. 522 H 523 I 524 J 527 K. 527 L 527 M 529 J 527 K. 527 L 527 M 529 N 532 O 532 P 534 N 532 O 532 P 534 Q. 539 R 539 S 541 Q. 539 R 539 S 541 T 547 T 547 U. 552 V 552 U. 552 V 552 W 557 X – Z 557 ABOUT THE AUTHOR 559