The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) THE #1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER

has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. A faculty member of The School of Life, she has presented several documentaries including The Truth about Children Who Lie for BBC Radio 4 and Being Bipolar for Channel 4. Most recently, Philippa has worked on a BBC Radio 4 programme, The Age of Emotion, and contributed towards the radio documentary Humiliation. She lives in London with her husband, the artist Grayson Perry, and her cat Kevin. They have one grown-up daughter, Flo. This book is dedicated with love to my sister Belinda Foreword This is not a straightforward parenting book. I'm not going to go into details about potty-training or weaning. This book is about how we have relationships with our children, what gets in the way of a good connection and what can enhance it. It's about how we were brought up and how that has a bearing on how we parent, about the mistakes we'll make -especially those we never wanted to make -and what to do about them. You will not find many tips, tricks or parenting hacks in this book, and at times it may upset you, make you angry or even make you a better parent. I wrote the book I wish I had read as a new parent, and I really wish my parents had read it. Title Page About the Author Dedication Foreword Introduction PART ONE: YOUR PARENTING LEGACY The past comes back to bite us (and our children) Rupture and repair Repairing the past How we talk to ourselves Good parent/bad parent: the downside of judgement PART TWO: YOUR CHILD’S ENVIRONMENT It’s not family structure that matters, it’s how we all get on When parents aren’t together How to make pain bearable When parents are together How to argue and how not to argue Fostering goodwill PART THREE: FEELINGS Learning how to contain feelings The importance of validating feelings The danger of disallowing feelings: a case study Rupture and repair and feelings Felt with, not dealt with Monsters under the bed The importance of accepting every mood The demand to be happy Distracting away from feelings PART FOUR: LAYING A FOUNDATION Pregnancy Sympathetic magic What’s your parent tribe? The baby and you Making your birth plan Debriefing from the birthing experience The breast crawl The initial bond Support: to parent we need to be parented in turn Attachment theory Coercive cries Different hormones, a different you Loneliness Post-natal depression PART FIVE: CONDITIONS FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH The bond The give and take, to and fro of communication How dialogue begins Turn-taking When dialogue is difficult: diaphobia The importance of engaged observation What happens when you’re addicted to your phone We are born with an innate capacity for dialogue Babies and children are people too How we train our children to be annoying – and how to break that cycle Why a child becomes ‘clingy’ Finding meaning in childcare Your child’s default mood Sleep What is sleep nudging? Helping, not rescuing Play PART SIX: BEHAVIOUR: ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION Role models The winning and losing game Going with what is working in the present rather than what you fantasize may happen in the future The qualities we need to behave well If all behaviour is communication, what does this or that inconvenient behaviour mean?: Investing time positively earlier rather than negatively later Helping behaviour by putting feelings into words When explanations are unhelpful How strict should a parent be? More on tantrums Whingeing Parental lying Children’s lies Boundaries: define yourself and not the child Setting boundaries with older children and teenagers Teenagers and young adults And finally: when we’re all grown up Epilogue Further Reading/Listening/Watching Acknowledgements Index Copyright 'A wonderful book' Richard Osman 'So clear and true ... Helpful for all relationships in life' Nigella Lawson 'A fascinating read on the emotional baggage we all carry' Elizabeth Day ______________________________________________________________________________________ How can we have better relationships? In this Sunday Times bestseller, leading psychotherapist Philippa Perry reveals the vital do's and don'ts of relationships. This is a book for us all. Whether you are interested in understanding how your upbringing has shaped you, looking to handle your child's feelings or wishing to support your partner, you will find indispensable information and realistic tips in these pages. Philippa Perry's sane, sage and judgement-free advice is an essential resource on how to have the best possible relationships with the people who matter to you most. Featuring exclusive new chapter on sibling relationships. _____________________________________________________________________________________ 'It gave me hope as a new parent' Babita Sharma 'This has genuinely had such a positive impact on my life and my relationship with my daughter' Josh Widdicombe 'She writes with an inquisitive elegance rarely found in parenting guides ... it is forgiving and persuasive' Hadley Freeman, the Guardian 'Philippa Perry is one of the wisest, most sane and secure people I've ever met' Decca Aitkenhead, Sunday Times Magazine The #1 Sunday Times Bestseller 'a Wonderful Book' Richard Osman 'so Clear And True ... Helpful For All Relationships In Life' Nigella Lawson ______________________________________________________________________________________ How Can We Have Better Relationships? In This Sunday Times Bestseller, Leading Psychotherapist Philippa Perry Reveals The Vital Do's And Don'ts Of Relationships. This Is A Book For Us All. Whether You Are Interested In Understanding How Your Upbringing Has Shaped You, Looking To Handle Your Child's Feelings Or Wishing To Support Your Partner, You Will Find Indispensable Information And Realistic Tips In These Pages. Philippa Perry's Sane, Sage And Judgement-free Advice Is An Essential Resource On How To Have The Best Possible Relationships With The People Who Matter To You Most. _____________________________________________________________________________________ 'it Gave Me Hope As A New Parent' Babita Sharma 'a Fascinating Read On The Emotional Baggage We All Carry' Elizabeth Day In this absorbing, clever and funny book, renowned psychotherapist Philippa Perry tells us what really matters and what behavior it is important to avoid - the vital dos and dont's of parenting. Instead of mapping out the 'perfect' plan, Perry offers a big-picture look at the elements that lead to good parent-child relationships. This refreshing, judgment-free book will help you to: Understand how your own upbringing may affect your parenting; Accept that you will make mistakes and learn what you can do about them; Break negative cycles and patterns; Handle your own and your child's feelings; Understand what different behaviors communicate. Full of sage and sane advice, this is the book that every parent will want to read and every child will wish their parents had