Older Hotter Grumpier: an Age Gap Instalove Stalker Romance (Grumpy Bosses)

EDITORIAL REVIEW: David Wong has updated the Lovecraft tradition and infused it with humor that rather than lessening the horror, increases it dramatically. Every time I set the book down down, I was wary that something really was afoot, that there were creatures I couldn't see, and that because I suspected this, I was next. Engaging, comic, and terrifying.-- **Joe Garden**, **Features Editor, The Onion** "Wong is like a mash-up of Douglass Adams and Stephen King... 'page-turner' is an understatement." --**Don Coscarelli**, **director, *Phantasm I-V*, *Bubba Ho-tep*** ** "That rarest of things--a genuinely scary story."--**David Wellington**, **author of *Monster Island, Vampire Zero*** "JOHN DIES AT THE END has a cult following for a reason: it's horrific, thought-provoking, and hilarious all at once. This is one of the most entertaining and addictive novels I've ever read."--**Jacob Kier, Publisher, Permuted Press ** **STOP. **You should not have touched this flyer with your bare hands. NO, don't put it down. It's too late. They're watching you. **My name is David Wong.** My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about **the sauce**, about **Korrok**, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under **the eye**. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me. **The important thing is this: **The drug is called **Soy Sauce** and it gives users a window into another dimension. John and I never had the chance to say no. You still do. I'm sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very **dark epoch** the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind: ***None of this was my fault.*** (excerpt) * * Prologue * * Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead. Let’s say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you’re the one who shot him. He had been a big, twitchy guy with veiny skin stretched over swollen biceps, a tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. Teeth filed into razor sharp fangs, you know the type. And you’re chopping off his head because, even with eight bullet holes in him, you’re pretty sure he’s about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face. On the follow-through of the last swing, though, the handle of the ax snaps in a spray of splinters. You now have a broken ax. So, after a long night of looking for a place to dump the man and his head, you take a trip into town with your ax. You go to the hardware store, explaining away the dark reddish stains on the broken handle as barbecue sauce. You walk out with a brand new handle for your ax. The repaired ax sits undisturbed in your garage until the next spring when, on one rainy morning, you find in your kitchen a creature that appears to be a foot-long slug with a bulging egg sac on its tail. Its jaws bite one of your forks in half with what seems like very little effort. You grab your trusty ax and chop the thing into several pieces. On the last blow, however, the ax strikes a metal leg of the overturned kitchen table and chips out a notch right in the middle of the blade. Of course, a chipped head means yet another trip to the hardware store. They sell you a brand new head for your ax. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year. He’s also got a new head, stitched on with what looks like plastic weed trimmer line, and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life. You brandish your ax. The guy takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, “That’s the same ax that slayed me!” Is he right? STOP. •YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TOUCHED THIS BOOK WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. •NO, DON'T PUT IT DOWN. IT'S TOO LATE. •THEY'RE WATCHING YOU. My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THIS: • THE DRUG IS CALLED SOY SAUCE, AND IT GIVES USERS A WINDOW INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION. • JOHN AND I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO SAY NO. • YOU STILL DO. "David Wong is like a mash-up of Douglas Adams and Stephen King.... 'Page-turner' is an understatement." -DON COSCARELLI, director of Phantasm I-V and Bubba Ho-tep. WATCH THE MOVIE TRAILER NOW!̲ scan this QR CODE with any quick response reading application on your smartphone or visit www.johndies.com! [QR] Unfortunately for us, if you make the right choice, we'll have a much harder time explaining how to fight off the otherworldly invasion currently threatening to enslave humanity. I'm sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind: NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT. DAVID WONG is the pseudonym of Jason Pargin, online humorist, National Lampoon contributor, and editor in chief of Cracked.com. Visit him at www.johndiesattheend.com. (back cover) updated by e.t * Prologue * *........02 Chapter 1- The "Levitating" "Jamaican".......15 Chapter 2- The Thing in John's Apartment.......29 Chapter 3- Grilling with Morgan Freeman.......42 Chapter 4- The Soy Sauce........56 Chapter 5- Riding with Shitload.......75 Chapter 6- Meet Dr. Marconi.......91 Chapter 7- Arnie Thinks David is Full of Shit.......113 Chapter 8- The Bratwurst Prophecy...........116 Chapter 9- The Missing Girl........160 Chapter 10- By the way........183 Chapter 11- Amy........184 Chapter 12- The Chat Transcript........201 Chapter 13........204 Chapter 14- John Investigates........226 Chapter 15- Shit Narnia........262 * Epilogue * *..,,,...286 This may be the story of John and David, a drug called soy sauce, and other-worldly beings invading the planet. Or, it may be the story of two beer-drinking friends who live in an unnamed Midwestern town and only think something horrific is going on. But the important thing is, according to the narrator, "None of this is my fault." On the street they call it Soy Sauce, and users drift across time and dimensions. But some who come back are no longer human. Suddenly, a silent otherworldly invasion is underway, and mankind needs a hero. What it gets instead is John and David, a pair of college dropouts who can barely hold down jobs. "John Dies at the End is a genre-bending, humorous account of two college drop-outs inadvertently charged with saving their small town--and the world--from a host of supernatural and paranormal invasions"--Amazon.com