Not ''Just Friends'': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

From Publishers Weekly Refusing to pander to audiences expecting Dr. Phil-type quick fixes, Glass (who has appeared on Oprah herself) chooses "a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach" to a subject she contends is fraught with public and professional misconceptions. Drawing on research studies (her own and others') and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma. Glass's credentials and commitment lend this book credence as a valuable resource; Staeheli's easy, personable style and the well-organized format make it user-friendly, too. Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. Review MicheleWeiner-Davis Author of The Divorce Remedy and The Sex-Starved Marriage Every once in a while a book comes along that is so illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth, and inspiring that it truly transforms lives. Since no marriage -- including yours -- is immune to infidelity, NOT "Just Friends" is a godsend for couples. John M. Gottman, Ph.D. Author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure In this long-awaited, breakthrough book, Dr. Glass has provided practical advice with a scientific basis and profoundly sensitive clinical experience about the highly destructive problem of infidelity. She alerts us to the new crisis of infidelity and shows us how to safeguard our most precious relationships from this danger. Pat Love, Ed.D. Author of The Truth about Love and Hot Monogamy I love this book and loaned it to a friend whose husband was "not just friends" with a coworker. They believe it prevented a serious breach from forming in their marriage. A must-read for anyone who ever hopes to be happy in a long-term relationship. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., Author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples NOT "Just Friends" puts a new face on infidelity using clinical experience and current research. I recommend it for anyone considering an affair, in an affair, or recovering from an affair. Frank Pittman, M.D. Author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy I treasure Dr. Shirley Glass, and I treasure this book. No one understands affairs better than she does. She offers her traumatized readers compassion, wisdom, and unshakeable common sense. Peggy Vaughan Host of DearPeggy.com and author of The Monogamy Myth This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful! Ira Glass Host of National Public Radio's This American Life It's a relief my mom wrote a great book so I can be totally honest on the jacket cover. NOT "Just Friends" offers one surprising, radical insight after another, including: Infidelity doesn't start the first time your partner sleeps with someone else; it begins when your partner becomes closer to someone else than to you. Good people in good marriages are having affairs. Well-intentioned people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly forming deep, passionate connections before they realize that they've crossed the line that separates platonic friendship from romantic love. Today's workplace and the Internet have become the new danger zones of attraction and opportunity -- the most fertile breeding grounds for affairs. In the new crisis of infidelity, more and more marriages are being threatened by friendships that have slowly and insidiously turned into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship by recognizing the red flags along the slippery slope. You're right to be cautious when you hear these words: "I'm telling you, we're just friends." Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., one of the world's leading experts on infidelity, draws on more than two decades of original research and hundreds of clinical cases to chronicle the human story of what occurs before, during, and after the trauma of betrayal. In NOT "Just Friends," Dr. Glass reveals that the disclosure of infidelity is a traumatic event that can reverberate for months -- even years. An important therapeutic breakthrough, her trauma recovery approach helps couples cope with the obsessions, volatile emotions, flashbacks, and other post-traumatic reactions of betrayed partners. In NOT "Just Friends," infidelity is any secret sexual, romantic, or emotional involvement that violates commitment to an exclusive relationship. An emotional affair, in fact, can be even more destructive to a marriage than extramarital sex. An extramarital affair that involves both sexual intercourse and a deep emotional attachment poses the greatest threat -- and this is the kind of intense infidelity that is becoming more common. In the new crisis of infidelity, more men are getting emotionally involved, and more women are getting sexually involved. Dr. Glass provides a step-by-step guide through the stages of suspiciousness, revelation, and healing. She gives couples in the midst of turmoil the tools to reestablish safety and foster hope. Healing is not possible until the full story of the affair has been shared. Dr. Glass gives concrete advice about how to tell, what to tell, and when to tell. Eye-opening quizzes help you explore personal vulnerabilities and outside influences to ensure safe friendships and secure marriages. With Dr. Glass's profound, practical guidance, recovery and healing is possible for both partners. Whether you are an involved partner, a betrayed partner, an affair partner -- or a therapist who would welcome a proven, trauma-based approach to healing infidelity -- you will find wise, nonjudgmental counsel in NOT "Just Friends." "You're right to be cautious when you hear these words: "I'm telling you, we're just friends." Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for "friendships" that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage."--Publisher's website I'm telling you, we're just friends Crossing into a double life Reaching the moment of revelation In the wake of discovery Should you pick up the pieces or throw in the towel? How to cope with obsessing and flashbacks Repairing the couple and building goodwill Story of the affair Story of your marriage Your individual stories Story of outside influences Story of the affair partner Healing together Forgiving and moving forward Healing alone Afterword: mini-guide to safe friendships and a secure marriage. Accompanied by case stories, a thought-provoking and compassionate guide documents the entire cycle of an affair, offering a step-by-step approach to healing and protecting monogamy after betrayal, as well as providing a new model for preventing an affair, one that preserves both marriage and friendship