Negotiation as a martial art : techniques to master the art of human exchange

Wall Street Journal Bestselling & Award Winning Book We all negotiate. Put more accurately, we are always negotiating. There is always something we want that we do not have. There is always something we have that others want. Those human transactions are very human. The process of bartering, whether it be in billion-dollar transactions or over the use of the family car, is a deeply human activity. But like many soft skills, we don't teach it. We consider it something that we have to just learn by doing it. And it is true that trial and error is the basic teacher of negotiation. But it doesn't have to be that way. Negotiation is a social activity that involves disciplines like language, observation, reaction, listening, speaking, storytelling, humor, and sensing. The number one thing you bring to every negotiation is you. This book helps you understand how these various behaviors and disciplines come to play and therefore how you can become a better negotiator. The book helps you develop the mindset and tools to become a great negotiator for yourself and for others. Classical teaching on negotiation teaches separating the people from the problem. But the people are often the problem and the key to accomplishing your goals and theirs. We express our desires as "I want this or that." As a result, we are always talking about the "what." As people, as humans, we often don't even really know what we want. This book teaches you to get behind your "what" and theirs. To accomplish this, you need to understand the "why" not just the "what." It is the "why" that will help you understand the "what" and adjust it accordingly. If you think you will get what you want by just being tough and demanding, this book isn't for you. If you want to succeed in dealing with those people or want to develop a negotiation style where you get what you want and people want to deal with you again and again, then this book is for you. The author draws upon principles of martial arts (designed around dealing with more powerful opponents) to help develop your understanding of negotiations. In a battle of water and stone, water wins. Author’s Note Introduction Case Study #1: The Two-Year-Old and the Red Car Case Study #2: It’s Not Always About the Numbers Beware the Strategic Deal When a Deal Seems to Make No Financial Sense The Power of Asking “Why” Discover the “Why” First Look for Plato’s “Backstory” or “Other” World What to Consider—Interests or Positions? Master Asking “Why” and Listening to the Answers Why Negotiation as a Martial Art? Chapter 1 - Be Like Water Silence Yourself The Drawbacks of a “Sword Drawn” Strategy A Defensive Response Broken Negotiations The Ask and Listen Strategy: Finding Openings Like Water Finding Holes The Art of Becoming Empty Takeaway Chapter 2 - Adjusting Your Own Position Negotiating Leverage Born From Martial Arts Defense One-on-One Shifting an “Impossible” Weight When Faced With the Immovable— Move Yourself From the Martial Arts Arena to the Negotiating Table When Your Opponent is More Powerful The “Wiggle Contingency” Strategy Takeaway Chapter 3 - Fixing Yourself Bias Awareness—the One Thing You Bring It’s All About You Lessons in Self-Awareness From Martial Artists Shields Up! Emotions and Receptivity Bias Gets in the Way A Case Study in Bias from Leadership School A Case Study in Bias from a Family Move Types of Biases Takeaway Chapter 4 - Prep and Planning Summer Camp Prep— Rediscovering the Child Within You It Started with a Father’s Wisdom Surrender Control Discombobulating or Disrupting the Norms New and Unique Friends Get Reacquainted with Nature Learn to Breathe Again Rediscover Your Sense of Smell Takeaway Chapter 5 - Back-To-School Mentality and Always Be Training From a Negotiation to an Education Frame of Mind Back-to-School Rituals Takeaway Chapter 6 - Negotiators Are Often Road Warriors The Road Warrior Life Lessons to Become a Successful Road Warrior Me and My Monk at 37,000 Feet Takeaway Chapter 7 - A Mentor Is a Must Primacy That First Acquisition Lessons I Learned There is No Such Thing as a Draft The “Never Stop Learning” Principle in Negotiations “On the Shoulders of Giants” Get a Mentor Takeaway Chapter 8 - The Art and Science of Memory Mental Athletes Theory of Mind Memory as a Cognitive Skill Start with Remembering Names Paying Attention is for Winners Getting in “The Zone” Takeaway: A Strong Memory = A Negotiating Edge Chapter 9 - Listening Learning to Pivot from “No!” Green Eggs and Ham was my First Sales Manual Sam-I-Am is a Lousy Listener Green Eggs and Ham 2.0 Use a Technique from Parent-Child Negotiations to Pivot from “No” Takeaway Chapter 10 - Listening for Rhythm The Rhythm in Listening Skill or Alchemy? The Strategies of Speaking Rhythm Strategy #1—Change the conversation— employ high arousal to disturb or disrupt Strategy #2—Back off and slow down Strategy #3—Identify the rhythm Strategy #4—Go silent Strategy #5—Lose the stress Takeaway Chapter 11 - The Importance of Being Human and Humorous An Introduction to Being Human “Soft v Hard Arts”: Entering the Dojo The Beginning of Trust: Show You Are Human Accusations and Recovery in Negotiation Breaking the Ice in Negotiations Human Haggling and Halfsies... Takeaway Chapter 12 - Speaking—Say This, Not That When Choices Grow Up Substitution is an Easier Form of Change The Core Elements of Language Substitution Takeaway Chapter 13 - The Honesty Strategy The Emperor’s New Clothes The Danger of Collective Self-Deception Verbal Clues Own the Power of Honesty Takeaway Chapter 14 - Backstories and How to Uncover What is Really Going On “That Doesn’t Make any Sense” Finding the Backstory: Think Like Colombo and Ask Questions Like an Investigative Reporter Takeaway Chapter 15 - The Power of Sincerity “Sincerely...” Discovering sincerity “No wax” negotiations “I Yam What I Yam” The Sincerity Principle in Action Takeaway Chapter 16 - The Value of Unreasonable People Some of the Best Deals Involve Unreasonable People Takeaway Chapter 17 - The Winning Power of Silence A Steve Jobs Strategy Respect the Power of Silence Silence and the Law of Supply and Demand The Creative Component of Silence The “Silence Strategy” in Negotiations How to Use the “Silence Strategy” Effectively Takeaway Chapter 18 - Battling Mind-Drift The “What did you just say?” Syndrome Mind-wandering The Ready Mind The Importance of Nonverbal Communication Techniques for Managing Mind Drift Takeaway Chapter 19 - Engagement and Understanding The Three Core Aspects of Understanding Confirming Understanding Walking in the Other Person’s Shoes Getting to the “Uniqueness” Takeaway Chapter 20 - The “Must-Haves” of Negotiation Negotiation is an Iterative Process Takeaway Acknowledgements About the Author Notes "We all negotiate. Put more accurately, we are always negotiating. There is always something we want that we do not have. There is always something we have that others want. Those human transactions are very human. The process of bartering, whether it be in billion-dollar transactions or over the use of the family car, is a deeply human activity. But like many soft skills, we don't teach it. We consider it something that we have to just learn by doing it. And it is true that trial and error is the basic teacher of negotiation. But it doesn't have to be that way. Negotiation is a social activity that involves disciplines like language, observation, reaction, listening, speaking, storytelling, humor, and sensing. The number one thing you bring to every negotiation is you. This book helps you understand how these various behaviors and disciplines come to play and therefore how you can become a better negotiator. The book helps you develop the mindset and tools to become a great negotiator for yourself and for others. Classical teaching on negotiation teaches separating the people from the problem. But the people are often the problem and the key to accomplishing your goals and theirs. We express our desires as "I want this or that". As a result, we are always talking about the "what". As people, as humans, we often don't even really know what we want. This book teaches you to get behind your "what" and theirs. To accomplish this, you need to understand the "why" not just the "what". It is the "why" that will help you understand the "what" and adjust it accordingly." -- Amazon.com