Motherhood reimagined: when becoming a mother doesn't go as planned : an infertility memoir

At the age of thirty-nine, Sarah Kowalski heard her biological clock ticking, loudly. A single woman harboring a deep ambivalence about motherhood, Kowalski needed to decide once and for all: Did she want a baby or not? More importantly, with no partner on the horizon, did she want to have a baby alone? Once she revised her idea of motherhood—from an experience she would share with a partner to a journey she would embark upon alone—the answer came up a resounding Yes. After exploring her options, Kowalski chose to conceive using a sperm donor, but her plan stopped short when a doctor declared her infertile. How far would she go to make motherhood a reality? Kowalski catapulted herself into a diligent regimen of herbs, Qigong, meditation, acupuncture, and more, in a quest to improve her chances of conception. Along the way, she delved deep into spiritual healing practices, facing down demons of self-doubt and self-hatred, ultimately discovering an unconventional path to parenthood. In the end, to become a mother, Kowalski did everything she said she would never do. And she wouldn't change a thing. A story of personal triumph and unconditional love, Motherhood Reimagined reveals what happens when we release what's expected and embrace what's possible. At the age of thirty-nine, Sarah Kowalski began to realize time was running out to have a baby. After grappling with what it meant to have a baby alone, she eventually realized that she'd always wanted a baby more than anything and decided to use a sperm donor--only to find out she was infertile. Thus began a year of hope and despair in which she fought the diagnosis, refusing to accept her doctor's suggestion that she move on to donor eggs. In the months that followed, Kowalski catapulted herself into a diligent regime of herbs, Qigong, meditation, acupuncture, and more in a futile attempt to improve her egg quality. It was only after facing the dormant self-doubt and self-hatred fueled by her body's inability to conceive that she was able to surrender her previous notions of what it meant to be a mother and embrace a path to motherhood that involved both egg and sperm donation. A story of personal triumph and unconditional love, Motherhood Reimagined reveals what's possible when we are willing to put down the version of motherhood we expected and embrace the unconventional. At the age of thirty-nine, Sarah Kowalski heard her biological clock ticking, loudly. A single woman harboring a deep ambivalence about motherhood, she needed to decide: Did she want a baby if it meant doing it alone? Once she revised her idea of motherhood--from an experience she would share with a partner to a journey she would embark upon alone--the answer proved to be a resounding Yes. She chose to conceive using a sperm donor, but her plan stopped short when a doctor declared her infertile. How far would she go to become a mother? Sarah catapulted herself into a diligent regimen of herbs, Qigong, meditation, acupuncture, and more, in a quest to improve her fertility. Along the way, she delved deep into spiritual healing practices, facing down demons of self-doubt and self-hatred, and once again revising her vision of motherhood. A story of personal triumph and unconditional love that reveals what happens when we release what's expected and embrace what's possible. Remembering. I always knew Forgetting A dramatic shift Resurfacing the question Dating at 39 Trying to decide Frozen eggs and embryos They said it couldn't happen Maybe a sperm donor isn't so bad There are no guarantees in life Struggling. The hard truth Spermland Logistics of the first IUI Babies are dukkha More disappointment Happiness despite the outcomes Ending self hatred: doing the best I can Losing faith A stream of questions The last-ditch effort: medical intervention Nothing except love makes sense Arriving. Clarity Plan C An unlikely offer The sperm challenge The shot Vacation, baby Blue light Disbelief Gathering support Facing motherhood Surrender Epilogue. Confronted By Her Approaching Fortieth Birthday With No Prospective Partner In Sight, Sarah Kowalski Decides To Have A Baby Alone, First Hoping She Can Use Donor Sperm Donation, But Eventually Coming To Terms With The Fact That It's Too Late To Use Her Own Eggs. Facing A Diagnosis Of Infertility, She Grapples With What It Means--emotionally And Spiritually--to Bring A Child Into The World Via Sperm And Egg Donation--and Settles On Her Profound Desire To Be Pregnant And Bring A Child Into This World, Regardless Of The Baby's Genetic Origins.