Mark Twain’s Helpful Hints for Good Living : A Handbook for the Damned Human Race

Irreverent, charming, eminently quotable, this handbook--an eccentric etiquette guide for the human race--contains sixty-nine aphorisms, anecdotes, whimsical suggestions, maxims, and cautionary tales from Mark Twain's private and published writings. It dispenses advice and reflections on family life and public manners; opinions on topics such as dress, health, food, and childrearing and safety; and more specialized tips, such as those for dealing with annoying salesmen and burglars. Culled from Twain's personal letters, autobiographical writings, speeches, novels, and sketches, these pieces are delightfully fresh, witty, startlingly relevant, and bursting with Twain's characteristic ebullience for life. They also remind us exactly how Mark Twain came to be the most distinctive and well-known American literary voice in the world. These texts, some of them new or out of print for decades, have been selected and meticulously prepared by the editors at the Mark Twain Project. Irreverent, Charming, Eminently Quotable, This Handbook--an Eccentric Etiquette Guide For The Human Race--contains Sixty-nine Aphorisms, Anecdotes, Whimsical Suggestions, Maxims, And Cautionary Tales From Mark Twain's Private And Published Writings. It Dispenses Advice And Reflections On Family Life And Public Manners Opinions On Topics Such As Dress, Health, Food, And Childrearing And Safety And More Specialized Tips, Such As Those For Dealing With Annoying Salesmen And Burglars. Culled From Twain's Personal Letters, Autobiographical Writings, Speeches, Novels, And Sketches, These Pieces Are Delightfully Fresh, Witty, Startlingly Relevant, And Bursting With Twain's Characteristic Ebullience For Life. They Also Remind Us Exactly How Mark Twain Came To Be The Most Distinctive And Well-known American Literary Voice In The World--publisher's Description. 1. Everyday Etiquette. A Letter Of Apology ; About The Effect Of Intemperate Language ; Be Good, Be Good--a Poem ; An Innovative Dinner Party Signal System ; About American Manners ; Breaking It Gently ; Courtesy To Unexpected Visitors ; At The Funeral ; A Telephonic Conversation -- 2. Modest Proposals And Judicious Complaints. A Christmas Wish ; Proposal Regarding Local Flooding ; Complaint About Unreliable Service ; Notice About A Stolen Umbrella ; An Appeal Against Injudicious Swearing ; An Unwanted Magazine Subscription ; On Telephones And Swearing ; About The Proposed Street-widening ; Political Economy ; Notice: To The Next Burglar ; Suggestion To Persons Entering Heaven -- 3. The American Table. Memories Of Food On An American Farm ; American Versus European Food ; An Inauspicious Meal ; A Remarkable Dinner ; Food And Scenery -- 4. Travel Manners. Traveling In Close Quarters ; Communicating With The Locals ; A Night Excursion In A Hotel Room -- 5. Health And Diet. Young Sam Clemens And Old-time Doctoring ; The Wake-up-jake ; A Healthful Cocktail ; A Miracle Cure ; Experience Of The Mcwilliamses With Membranous Croup ; Smoking, Diet, And Health At Age Seventy -- 6. Parenting And The Ethical Child. The Late Benjamin Franklin ; On Theft And Conscience ; On Training Children ; A Sampling Of Childish Ethics ; Youthful Misdemeanors ; Advice To Youth -- 7. Clothes, Fashion, And Style. A Fashion Item ; The Hand Of Fashion ; That White Suit ; Clothes And Deception ; A Sumptuous Robe -- 8. In Case Of Emergency. Playing Bear ; An Apparition ; The Great Earthquake In San Francisco ; Escape Of The Tarantulas ; Burglary And The Well-tempered Householder ; Under A Policeman's Eye. [mark Twain] ; Edited By Lin Salamo, Victor Fischer, And Michael B. Frank Of The Mark Twain Project. The Mark Twain Project Is A Research And Editorial Project Housed Within The Mark Twain Papers At The Bancroft Library, Univ. Of Calif., Berkeley. Includes Bibliographical References (p. 203-206). Illustrations......Page 14 Introduction......Page 16 Everyday Etiquette......Page 28 A Telephonic Conversation......Page 43 At the Funeral......Page 42 Courtesy to Unexpected Visitors......Page 40 Breaking It Gently......Page 39 About American Manners......Page 38 An Innovative Dinner Party Signal System......Page 35 Be Good, Be Good. A Poem.......Page 34 About the Effect of Intemperate Language......Page 30 Modest Proposals and Judicious Complaints......Page 50 Suggestion to Persons Entering Heaven......Page 72 Notice. To the Next Burglar......Page 71 Political Economy......Page 64 About the Proposed Street-Widening......Page 63 On Telephones and Swearing......Page 61 An Unwanted Magazine Subscription......Page 60 An Appeal against Injudicious Swearing......Page 58 Notice about a Stolen Umbrella......Page 57 Complaint about Unreliable Service......Page 56 Proposal Regarding Local Flooding......Page 53 A Christmas Wish......Page 52 The American Table......Page 74 Food and Scenery......Page 93 A Remarkable Dinner......Page 87 An Inauspicious Meal......Page 83 American versus European Food......Page 78 Memories of Food on an American Farm......Page 76 Travel Manners......Page 96 A Night Excursion in a Hotel Room......Page 102 Communicating with the Locals......Page 100 Traveling in Close Quarters......Page 98 Health and Diet......Page 110 Smoking, Diet, and Health at Age Seventy......Page 126 Experience of the McWilliamses with Membranous Croup......Page 119 A Miracle Cure......Page 118 A Healthful Cocktail......Page 116 The “Wake-Up-Jake”......Page 114 Young Sam Clemens and Old-Time Doctoring......Page 112 Parenting and the Ethical Child......Page 132 Advice to Youth......Page 149 Youthful Misdemeanors......Page 148 A Sampling of Childish Ethics......Page 140 On Training Children......Page 138 On Theft and Conscience......Page 137 The Late Benjamin Franklin......Page 134 Clothes, Fashion, and Style......Page 154 A Sumptuous Robe......Page 168 Clothes and Deception......Page 165 That White Suit......Page 164 The Hand of Fashion......Page 158 A Fashion Item......Page 156 In Case of Emergency......Page 170 Under a Policeman’s Eye......Page 191 Burglary and the Well-Tempered Householder......Page 188 Escape of the Tarantulas......Page 185 The Great Earthquake in San Francisco......Page 177 An Apparition......Page 176 Playing “Bear”......Page 172 About the Texts......Page 198 Works Cited......Page 218 Acknowledgments......Page 222 Irreverent, charming, eminently quotable, this handbook - an eccentric etiquette guide for the human race - contains sixtynine aphorisms, anecdotes, whimsical suggestions, maxims, and cautionary tales from Mark Twain's private and published writings. It dispenses advice and reflections on family life and public manners; opinions on topics such as dress, health, food, and childrearing and safety; and more specialized tips, such as those for dealing with annoying salesmen and burglars In this eccentric etiquette guide, aphorisms, suggestions, and cautionary tales culled from Mark Twain's personal letters, speeches, and novels are dispensed on topics such as dress, health, food, childrearing, and safety.