Living Happily Ever After: Putting Reality into Your Romance (Family Matters)

Most people want to believe that being together and loving each other are all that's needed to live happily ever after. If you understand what really loving each other means, it can be all you need. But first you must understand what love is, then make it happen. Dr Bob O'Connor draws on his long experience of working with couples and families to show how problems with sex, money, household chores and child raising are often caused by the need for power and control. Living Happily Ever After incorporates a series of self-assessment 'Tests' and 'Things to Talk About' on issues such as: * Am I still in love with my partner? * Giving and getting * Sexuality and sexual preferences * What do you want from the relationship? * Is there really a way to solve our problems? By learning more about your own needs and desires and those of your partner, you will be able to help each other change and develop as your lives unfold. Contents......Page 6 About the author......Page 12 Acknowledgements......Page 14 Solving the problems you have now......Page 16 Introduction......Page 24 1 Planning for 'happily ever after': Have I looked at my complex relationship?......Page 28 Be ready to change for the better......Page 31 Planning is the key......Page 32 Finding our way in the relationship maze......Page 34 Just getting married is not the answer......Page 36 Life is a series of contracts......Page 37 Every relationship is a contract......Page 40 Yes, you can make your relationship better......Page 43 Contracts for marriage are not new......Page 45 The well-thought-out agreement – before and during the relationship......Page 46 What are the areas which generally need understanding – and possibly negotiation......Page 52 If we don't do it, will the government require us to develop contractual agreements?......Page 53 2 Am I still 'in love'? Have I looked at the realities of loving?......Page 58 What is love?......Page 61 Other definitions of love......Page 63 The kinds of love......Page 65 The need for love......Page 70 How love develops......Page 72 The ingredients of love......Page 75 Mistaking infatuation for love......Page 79 Self-test on love......Page 84 3 In the contract – Who are you? Do I really know me?......Page 88 Self-esteem......Page 91 The basics of our personalities......Page 93 The doers – the power people......Page 94 The feelers – the loving people......Page 95 The experiencers – the meaning people......Page 96 What do these mean to a relationship?......Page 97 Power versus love......Page 98 The rapid changing of our society......Page 100 Having an honest feeling of self-esteem......Page 102 The consequences of low self-esteem......Page 103 Understanding your values......Page 104 Keeping your identity and pursuing your own goals......Page 108 Self-tests......Page 23 Self-evaluation of the love–power–meaning areas......Page 112 Similarities and differences in backgrounds......Page 116 How I feel mentally and socially......Page 120 4 Understanding our adjustments: Do I really understand us?......Page 122 How we see ourselves......Page 124 Stresses......Page 126 Adjusting to stresses......Page 127 Normal and abnormal behaviour......Page 129 Everyone makes adjustments......Page 132 Some common patterns of adjusting......Page 133 Attacking reality – the fighting approach......Page 135 Types of attacking behaviour......Page 137 Types of withdrawing behaviour – the fleeing approach......Page 141 Forgetting reality......Page 142 Distorting reality......Page 143 Atoning for reality......Page 147 Retreating from reality......Page 152 5 The psychological contract in marriage: The obvious and the hidden aspects of our relationships......Page 158 The psychological contract......Page 161 Their concerns which they had talked about and were aware of......Page 165 Conscious but not verbalised concerns......Page 167 Unconscious (so it can't be talked about)......Page 173 Our minds......Page 174 Finding the realities......Page 178 Our pasts are important for our futures......Page 179 6 What do you want from your relationship: Are my needs being met?......Page 182 Finding our dream......Page 183 Your mate......Page 186 Aging and changing......Page 187 We bring our expectations with us......Page 190 Intimacy......Page 192 Should all close relationships be marriages?......Page 193 Do I want a long-term commitment for the right reasons?......Page 194 Roles in marriage......Page 197 The dynamics of a marriage relationship......Page 204 Seeing things the same way......Page 208 Personality style......Page 212 My desires within the marriage......Page 214 Interests......Page 216 7 Understanding the sexual contract: Have things changed sexually for you?......Page 220 Negative changes in our relationship contracts......Page 222 Why we have sex......Page 226 How important is sex anyway?......Page 228 Common reasons for changes in the desire for physical intimacy......Page 229 Being better in bed......Page 231 Straying from the sexual contract......Page 233 What about extramarital sex (adultery)?......Page 234 So, what can we do?......Page 241 Self-test on sexuality and sexual preferences......Page 242 8 Biological forces and your sexuality: What controls and stimulates your body and mind?......Page 244 Some physiological influences on our sexual interests and abilities......Page 246 Neurotransmitters......Page 248 Hormones......Page 254 Endorphins......Page 267 Pheromones......Page 268 Orgasm......Page 269 Our sexual desires – as we age......Page 271 Chemical help......Page 272 Making love, not war......Page 273 Something to think about......Page 274 More severe psychological problems relating to sex......Page 276 Common, and not so common, sexual practices......Page 278 Sexual problems and the marriage contract......Page 287 9 Effective communication: Why can't I get through to my mate?......Page 290 Positive communication......Page 293 Communication......Page 295 Gender traditions and communication styles......Page 297 You must be mature......Page 299 Keeping the relationship positive makes communication easier......Page 301 Romance comes from the positives in your relationship......Page 305 Cooperating in individual and relationship goals......Page 307 Developing and changing your relationship contract......Page 309 Skills necessary for effective communication......Page 311 Is there really a way to solve our problems?......Page 324 Occasionally, we have ruts in the road to romance......Page 327 Handling the day-to-day annoyances......Page 329 Anger......Page 330 Larger problems......Page 331 Is it a problem for our relationship?......Page 334 Solving relationship disagreements and conflicts......Page 336 Watch that power drive!......Page 350 Scientific problem solving......Page 352 Listening skills......Page 355 The solutions......Page 357 Seeking professional help......Page 360 Epilogue: Realistic romance......Page 364 C......Page 368 H......Page 369 P......Page 370 S......Page 371 V......Page 372