Kids Are Turds : Brutally Honest Humor for the Pooped-Out Parent

When do you know for sure that you've become a parent? For Jenny Schoberl, it wasn't when a human fell out of her lady parts or the first time her baby said #x93;Mama." It was when she found herself, a grown woman, hiding in the bathroom to eat a candy bar, just so she didn't have to share. Parenthood changes people's lives in horrifying and inevitable ways. No matter how hard you resist, you soon find yourself being that parent far too often to deny it. It won't be long before mom jeans and minivans are calling your name. Discussing bowel movements over dinner? Guilty. Peeing with an audience? Ch.;Intro; Title Page; Copyright; Contents; Introduction: Mom Jeans Anonymous; 1. A Is for A-hole, B Is for Big Fat Baby; 2. Who Needs the Bahamas When We Have Target?; 3. If I Call Dinner â#x80;#x9C;Din-Dinâ#x80;#x9D; One More Time, Please Punch Me in the Uterus; 4. MINE is a 4-Letter Word; 5. The Tale of Chicken Doodoo, and Why Moms Canâ#x80;#x99;t Fart; 6. How to Manipulate Your Kids into Reliving Your Childhood; 7. Cartoons are My Crack, and Dora is My Dealer; 8. Washable, My Ass!; 9. How My Vagina Birthed a Nudist Colony; 10. OPK (Other Peopleâ#x80;#x99;s Kids), and Why They Are Like Farts. Intro Title Page Copyright Contents Introduction: Mom Jeans Anonymous 1. A Is for A-hole, B Is for Big Fat Baby 2. Who Needs the Bahamas When We Have Target? 3. If I Call Dinner â#x80 #x9C Din-Dinâ#x80 #x9D One More Time, Please Punch Me in the Uterus 4. MINE is a 4-Letter Word 5. The Tale of Chicken Doodoo, and Why Moms Canâ#x80 #x99 t Fart 6. How to Manipulate Your Kids into Reliving Your Childhood 7. Cartoons are My Crack, and Dora is My Dealer 8. Washable, My Ass! 9. How My Vagina Birthed a Nudist Colony 10. OPK (Other Peopleâ#x80 #x99 s Kids), and Why They Are Like Farts. 11. Tears are Contagious. So if You Start Crying, I Will Have to Spray You in the Face with Lysol. 12. No, I am Not Smarter than a Fifth Grader. Not Even Close. 13. I Hope You Step on a Lego 14. Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner ... Unless Baby is a Drunken Mom Who Never Gets Out 15. Thank the Sweet Grilled Cheezus for Canceled Plans 16. One Bin of Baby Shit Away from an Episode of Hoarders 17. Why All Parents Deserve a Frickinâ#x80 #x99 Oscar 18. Look, Ma! I Can Pee and Brush My Teeth at the Same Time! And Other Terrible Ideas. 19. A Mom Wouldnâ#x80 #x99 t Know Silence if it Crapped in its Hands and Clapped in her Face!20. If You Havenâ#x80 #x99 t Manhandled Baby Poop, You Havenâ#x80 #x99 t Lived 21. I Shared My Uterusâ#x80 #x94 Isnâ#x80 #x99 t That Enough? 22. The Many Mystical Uses of Mom Spit 23. Oh My God, I AM My Parents! 24. A Motherâ#x80 #x99 s Curse: This Ainâ#x80 #x99 t Your Period, Ladies 25. Everything but Those Hideous Tube Socks 26. Unless You Are Dying, Do NOT Bleed on My Carpet 27. Of all the Things Iâ#x80 #x99 ve Lost ... Wait ... What Did I Lose Again? 28. Making My Kids Need Therapy, One Day at a Time 29. TGIM: Thank God itâ#x80 #x99 s Frickinâ#x80 #x99 Monday! 30. No, But Seriously. Go the FUCK to Sleep. 31. Iâ#x80 #x99 m a Lying Liar Who Lies Out of My Lying Liar Hole 32. When in Doubt, Blame the Sprout 33. The Poo Whisperer 34. How to Wear a Booger Like a Badge of Honor Conclusion: Letâ#x80 #x99 s Wrap It Up! Unless Youâ#x80 #x99 re Trying to Get Pregnant ... A series of funny and heartfelt essays chronicling one woman’s struggles as a mother. When do you know for sure that you’ve become a parent? For Jenny Schoberl, it wasn’t when a human fell out of her lady parts or the first time her baby said “Mama.” It was when she found herself, a grown woman, hiding in the bathroom to eat a candy bar, just so she didn’t have to share. Parenthood changes people’s lives in horrifying and inevitable ways. No matter how hard you resist, you soon find yourself being that parent far too often to deny it. It won’t be long before mom jeans and minivans are calling your name. Discussing bowel movements over dinner? Guilty. Peeing with an audience? Check. Grocery shopping alone? Sounds like a tropical vacation! Watching cartoons hours after the kids have gone to bed? Now your only hobby! What do you do when motherhood turns you into someone you hardly recognize? When you open your mouth and, holy hell, your mother comes out? Kids Are Turds proves that you don’t need to be Super-Mom to be a “good” mom (whatever that is), but you absolutely do need a sense of humor to get through the hard days. Either that, or you can give in, yank up your mom jeans, and rock a mile-long camel toe. So for the love of retinas everywhere, be strong! “Kids Are Turds gives you permission to whine into your (much-needed) wine as you flop down in exhaustion after another day of wiping up the unmentionable mess you know will magically reappear tomorrow.” —Karen Moline, coauthor of the New York Times bestseller, Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us “[This book is] a great reminder that we ALL go through times like this, and we’re all doing the best we can. Thank you, Jenny, for bringing humor and creativity to this life we call mommyhood!” —Dawn Recor, blogger of Diary of a Not So Wimpy Mom