It's No Big Deal Really : A Parent’s Guide to Making Divorce Easy for Children

most Parents Want Their Divorce To Be As Quick And Pain-free As Possible, Especially When Children Are Involved. Divorce Can Affect Children In Numerous Ways And Can Often Have Damaging Consequences For Their Self-esteem, Behavior, Academic Performance, And Health. Combining Professional Advice With Firsthand Experiences, This Insightful Guide Provides A Commonsense Roadmap Designed To Avoid Putting Children In The Middle Of A Divorce. Topics Addressed Include Whether Divorce Is Ever Right For Children; How To Best Sort Out Living Arrangements And Future Communications Following A Separation; And How To Minimize The Pain And Upheaval A Divorce Can Bring. Highlighting The Errors Many Parents Make And Their Potential Impacts, This Is An Essential Resource For Ensuring Both An Amicable Split And Healthy Children. 9781905745241 Contents 6 Introduction 8 Chapter 1 - Divorce or Stay Together for the Sake of the Children 14 What do your children want? 16 Help to use and help to avoid 19 Why do you want a divorce? 21 The problems 23 Boredom 23 You’re doing more than your share of the chores 24 He or she is constantly criticising you 25 They’ve let themselves go (so you don’t fancy/respect them any more) 26 Money 27 They’ve started to drink heavily or take drugs 28 The baby has changed how you feel about each other 28 Your partner is too strict/too soft on the children 30 Sex 31 The crisis points 33 Adultery – emotional and/or physical 34 A major fight where one of you has walked out and/or declared the marriage over 37 Your spouse has committed an act that goes against your morals/belief system 39 Your relationship has become physically violent 39 The effect of children’s age 41 Babies 42 Toddlers 42 Young schoolchildren 44 Teenagers 44 Children who are not children 46 Expectations after the divorce 48 Have a test run 49 The importance of space 49 To break or not to break? 50 Chapter 2 - Telling the Children and Handling Their Pain 52 How and when to tell them 53 The don’ts 54 The dos 56 Likely questions 57 Why? 58 Where will we live?/What will happen to us? 59 Will there be lots of fighting? 59 What is it about divorce that hurts children? 60 Children of divorced parents can find it difficult to trust in love and believe they can go on to have happy long-term relationships 61 Children of remarried families are not as close to their parents 62 Children whose parents divorced learn that feelings are painful and hide from them 63 Parents reduce the quality of their care when they get divorced 64 Divorce creates economic hardship 65 First-stage rules 66 Arguing in front of children 68 Behaviour 72 Too good 72 Too bad 73 Too clingy/childish 74 Emotions 75 Grieving and moving on 76 Gender and emotion 81 Articulating worries 82 The day 84 Leaving for a new relationship 86 Other people 88 Chapter 3 - Practical Arrangements 91 How to decide what to do with the children 92 The role of fathers 93 Excuses 95 He or she cheated on us 96 He or she walked out on us 96 He or she never spends any time with the children anyway/is disinterested in them 96 I don’t want my children to see his or her new partner 97 He or she broke up the family 98 I want to punish my ex and the only weapon I have is to deny them access to their children 98 My lawyer says that if I win an ‘unreasonable behaviour’ divorce I could get full access with only occasional custody visits 99 He or she is always late/unreliable just to annoy me 100 He (usually he) has no idea how to look after children – men aren’t able to look after young children 100 He or she is a bad parent 101 He or she only wants the children so that they don’t have to pay child support 102 He or she is abusive 102 He or she is an addict 103 It’s best for the children that they’re not disrupted and spend all their time with me 103 The children don’t want to see him/her 103 Things to consider 104 The ideal 107 Living at a distance 109 ‘Sunday afternoon’ access visits and the variants 110 Changing the arrangements 113 Dealing with crisis situations 114 Physical abuse 114 They walked out 115 Mental breakdown 118 Practical arrangements for a crisis situation 120 Chapter 4 - The Legal Process and Splitting Your Assets 122 Why do it differently? 123 How to use lawyers 125 The law and children 129 Grandparents 131 What’s in a name? 132 DIY divorce 133 Choose your grounds carefully 134 Dividing up your money 138 Pensions 142 Dividing up your possessions 143 The auction 146 Pets 150 Preparing for new partners 151 The pitfalls that will make it bitter 155 Chapter 5 - The First Few Months 160 Dealing with blame 161 Setting the new rules 163 We share responsibility for our children which means 165 We want our children to suffer as little as possible emotionally from the divorce so will strive to minimise any future conflict between us which means 166 We want to give our children a sound support structure which means 166 Breaking the rules 169 Discipline 170 Your new social life 172 Sex as a single parent 176 Coping with sole custody 181 Becoming a time lord 183 Making them feel loved 186 Chapter 6 - Establishing a New Family 189 The one-parent family 190 Forming new relationships 194 Marriage or moving in together 204 Step-parents 206 The issues from the child’s viewpoint 206 The issues from the step-parent’s viewpoint 210 Dealing with your children’s stepmother or stepfather 213 Step-siblings 218 Handling your ex’s stepchildren 224 Christmas and other social minefields 225 Weddings 226 Conclusion – Happily Ever After? 228 How to make divorce a positive experience 229 The joys of having single parents 234 Single parents and young children 239 Single parents and teenagers 240 The joys of stepfamilies 243 Why divorce can be good for your children 246 The keys to making it work 248 A last word 250 About the Author 252 Most would agree that divorce should be as quick and pain-free as possible, especially when children are involved. After all, divorce can affect children in so many different ways, with damaging consequences for their self-esteem, behaviour, academic performance and even health. "It's No Big Deal Really" combines professional advice, and first-hand experiences of the successes and mistakes that can occur when dealing with a family separation. Anne Cantelo provides a commonsense roadmap to avoid putting children in the middle of a divorce or using them to score points off your ex. Addressing questions like: Is divorce ever right for children? How do you know if you're doing more harm staying together than separating? What happens after the divorce?, Anne Cantelo shows how to minimise pain and upheaval on one's children.Highlighting the errors many parents make and the impact they can have on children, Cantelo aims to make divorce seem like 'it's no big deal really' rather than the end of the world. Chapter 1 Divorce or Stay Together for the Sake of the Children -- 7 -- Chapter 2 Telling the Children and Handling Their Pain -- 45 -- Chapter 3 Practical Arrangements -- 84 -- Chapter 4 The Legal Process and Splitting Your Assets -- 115 -- Chapter 5 The First Few Months -- 153 -- Chapter 6 Establishing a New Family -- 182 Conclusion - Happily Ever After?-- 221.