If I Die Before I Wake : A Memoir of Drinking and Recovery

Barb Rogers' book begins with the tragic death of her teenage son, Jon, and delves into the horror that was her life to that point. Due to a home life fraught with substance and emotional abuse, Barb found herself bottomed out more than once, and homeless along the way. "When asked in early recovery if I knew any prayers, the one I could think of was the child's nighttime prayer, 'Now I lay me down to sleep.' As I thought of it, I recalled the long nights when I simply wanted to go to sleep and never wake up." Barb learned most of her life lessons through pain, tragedy, and addiction. This is not a glamorous book, it is real and it is raw. It is not about survival of the fittest, but the weak, the hopeless, the helpless, the truly addicted, not only to substances, but to drama, anger, excuses, and justifications. She describes how she got to her lowest point, just what it was, and how and why she finally reached out to a 12-step program for help. She shows the reader what it's really like to survive, to stay clean and sober, and find a way to the other side. Recovery was one of the most difficult things she ever did, but "worth every effort I put out." Barb Rogers would be the first to tell you she's not special--she's led a hard life, and she tells her story well and with humor--readers--addicts or not, but especially addicts--are going to find the kind of gritty inspiration, that if Barb can do it so can they, that will inspire life changes. A woman shares the story of her descent into alcoholism, her journey to getting clean and sober, and life on the other side.The tragic death of her teenage son, Jon, forces Barb Rogers to delve into the horror that was her life to that point. Due to a home life fraught with substance and emotional abuse, she found herself bottomed out more than once, and homeless along the way.“When asked in early recovery if I knew any prayers, the one I could think of was the child's nighttime prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep.” As I thought of it, I recalled the long nights when I simply wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.”Barb learned most of her life lessons through pain, tragedy, and addiction. This is not a glamorous story; it is real and raw. It is not about survival of the fittest, but the weak, the hopeless, the helpless, the truly addicted—not only to substances, but to drama, anger, excuses, and justifications.Barb reflects on how she reached her lowest point, just what it was, and how and why she finally reached out to a 12-step program for help. She shows the reader what it's really like to survive, to stay clean and sober, and to find a way to the other side. Recovery was one of the most difficult things she ever did but it was “worth every effort I put out.”Barb Rogers would be the first to tell you she's not special. But her story, told well and with humor, is sure to inspire anyone to put in the work to improve their lives.Praise for If I Die before I Wake“Raw, vivid, and brutally heart-wrenching, Barb's account of her shattered life...will undoubtedly hit home with many.”—Jennifer Storm, author of Blackout Girl and Leave the Light On“Gripping, tragic, and absolutely impossible to put down.”—Rachael Brownell, author of Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore“An inspiring story that reflects the transformative power of Twelve Step recovery. This is a particularly important book for any woman who is struggling with sobriety and feels she will never achieve it.”—Stephanie S. Covington, author of A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps Acknowledgments......Page 8 A Knock at the Door......Page 9 Alone......Page 12 The Letter......Page 20 Memories......Page 27 Holding On......Page 37 Starting Over......Page 43 Crazy......Page 51 The Cave......Page 61 Broke......Page 71 The Dress......Page 81 Do or Drink......Page 89 Awakening......Page 99 Signs......Page 107 The Retreat......Page 119 The Dream......Page 131 Graves’......Page 139 Healing......Page 149 Maui......Page 161 Serendipity......Page 176 In the Cards......Page 182 Life......Page 187 The Challenge......Page 195 Truth or Consequences......Page 205 My Name Is Barb......Page 216 The Basement......Page 228 Limbo......Page 236 Full Circle......Page 247 Acknowledgments 8 1 9 A Knock at the Door 9 2 12 Alone 12 3 20 The Letter 20 4 27 Memories 27 5 37 Holding On 37 6 43 Starting Over 43 7 51 Crazy 51 8 61 The Cave 61 9 71 Broke 71 10 81 The Dress 81 11 89 Do or Drink 89 12 99 Awakening 99 13 107 Signs 107 14 119 The Retreat 119 15 131 The Dream 131 16 139 Graves’ 139 17 149 Healing 149 18 161 Maui 161 19 176 Serendipity 176 20 182 In the Cards 182 21 187 Life 187 22 195 The Challenge 195 23 205 Truth or Consequences 205 24 216 My Name Is Barb 216 25 228 The Basement 228 26 236 Limbo 236 27 247 Full Circle 247