I Don't Care About Your Band : What I Learned From Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se Nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated

Read Julie Klausner's posts on the Penguin Blog In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love—and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care About Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man—good or otherwise— when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville. Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care About Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer ( Best Week Ever, TV Funhouse on SNL ) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it." I Don't Care About Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20's doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity . By turns explicit, funny and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate. Cover Page......Page 1 Praise......Page 4 Title Page......Page 5 Copyright Page......Page 6 Dedication Page......Page 7 Contents......Page 9 Introduction......Page 11 Section One: Here Comes My Childhood!......Page 17 Broadway, Daddy, and Other Barriers to Loving Me......Page 19 Kermit the Frog is a Terrible Boyfriend......Page 29 Never tell them What You’re Actually Wearing......Page 37 Be Your Own Gay Best Friend......Page 49 Twin Cities......Page 61 Section Two: Missing Knuckles, snowballing Vegans self-help Books, and Other Atrocities......Page 73 The Rules......Page 75 Power of Three......Page 83 White Noise......Page 91 Turn Down the Glamour......Page 101 Star Wars is a Kids’ Movie......Page 111 Section Three: “Crazy” is an std......Page 125 Sweet Sweeney Agonistes......Page 127 The Critic......Page 139 Douche Ziggy......Page 157 Giants and Monsters......Page 177 Section Four: Exile in Guyville......Page 189 Paper Clips Versus Larry Flynt......Page 191 I Don’t Care about your Band......Page 205 So You want to Date a Musician......Page 219 The Kid......Page 225 Did I Come to Brooklyn for this?......Page 237 Red Coats and Mary Wilkies......Page 247 Section Five: The House of No......Page 257 Old Acquaintances......Page 259 Acknowledgments......Page 269 About the Author......Page 273 A memoir based on the author's New York Times "Modern Love" piece about her brush-off by an indie rock musician describes her haphazard Jewish upbringing and rocky misadventures in romantic enlightenment