How Can I Forgive You? : The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to

From Publishers Weekly Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist, follows up her bestselling After the Affair with this new self-help manual that aims to provide a better way to forgive or not forgive others. With the assistance of her husband, and in clear, insightful writing, Abrahms Spring draws on many case studies to fully analyze four categories of forgiveness: cheap forgiveness, refusing to forgive, acceptance and genuine forgiveness. The author is convinced that morally and spiritually a person is no more required to forgive an unrepentant offender than he or she is to love him. When someone who has been truly wronged and forgives too easily (cheap forgiveness), that person is not acting in their own best interest, but rather preserving a relationship at any cost. An absolute refusal to forgive Abrahms, Spring posits, is also harmful to the injured person. Although punishing the offender may provide a sense of power, it also fosters negativity and self-isolation. The author advises that when genuine forgiveness is impossible, because the injury is too great or the offender will not apologize, a better decision than holding onto anger is to work through the injury, or acceptance. This healing process will lead to emotional resolution and the ability to move on with one's life. Genuine forgiveness, Abrahms Spring maintains, occurs when both parties negotiate a process during which the hurt person expresses his or her pain, and the offender apologizes and takes responsibility for his or her poor behavior. In the end, this is a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book. Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc. Review “A truly stellar book putting forgiveness in a new, revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.” (Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind ) “This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt by a personal relationship.” (Peggy Papp, author of Couples on the Fault Line: New Directions for Therapists ) “Clear, insightful...a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.” (Publishers Weekly ) “A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge.” (Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want ) “Spring really shines.... Armed with her insights, offenders and those they’ve offended have hope of recovery.” (Bellingham Herald ) If you are struggling with issues of betrayalor the challenge of whether and how to forgivehere is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger Everyone is struggling to forgive an unfaithful partner, an alcoholic parent, an ungrateful child, a terrorist. This award-winning book provides a radical way for hurt parties to heal themselveswithout forgiving, as well as a way for offenders to earn genuine forgiveness. Until now, weve been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a gifted clinical psychologist and award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our liveswithout forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for earning genuine forgivenessone that asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party. Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, this bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as Janis Abrahms Spring's long–awaited second book expertly tackles the sensitive issue of forgiveness by giving real people a new model from which they can heal from interpersonal injuries, by debunking myths, and by controversially setting the record straight that forgiveness is not the only all–or–nothing sound response to injury.The topic of forgiveness is fast becoming one of the key concepts in psychotherapy. With illuminating anecdotes and case material based on nearly 30 years of clinical experience, Janis Spring controversially reveals that we have more options than just forgiving or not forgiving. From forgotten birthdays to deliberate sexual offences, infidelity and disloyalty, How Can I Forgive You? takes a bold new position that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate and helps us to make peace with both the person who has hurt us and with ourselves. By providing concrete, step–by–step instructions for both the hurt party and the offender, Spring brings to light a new, empowering model that is bound to change forever the way we think about forgiveness, regardless of whether or not the offending party is willing to apologise. “If you are struggling with issues of betrayal—or the challenge of whether and how to forgive—here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.”—Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of AngerUntil now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Janis Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?When is forgiveness cheap?What is wrong with refusing to forgive?How can the offender earn forgiveness?How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.

This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

• How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
• When is forgiveness cheap?
• What is wrong with refusing to forgive?
• How can the offender earn forgiveness?
• How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

Drawing on twenty-nine years as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Spring proposes a radically new, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives--without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness--one that asks as much of the offender as it asks of us The author of After the Affair challenges the belief that forgiveness is the only appropriate response to violation, proposing a self-affirming alternative that enables readers to overcome the destructive effects of hate without forgiveness while outlining a model for true forgiveness that places responsibility on the offender. Title from PDF title page (viewed on Dec. 4, 2007).