Flesh and Blood: Reflections on Infertility, Family, and Creating a Bountiful Life: a Memoir

**Honest, warm, and witty, this memoir reads like a chat with a dear friend sharing her insight and taking us along as she heals. Complete with family stories over cocktails and a praying mantis named Claude.** “I drive and say to myself, if I am dying, if this is how I die, then this is how I die.” When N. West Moss finds herself bleeding uncontrollably in the middle of a writing class, she manages to drive herself to the nearest hospital. Doctors are baffled, but eventually a diagnosis—uterine hemangioma—is rendered and a hysterectomy is scheduled. In prose both lyrical and unsparing, Moss takes us along through illness, relapse, and recovery. And as her thoughts turn to her previous struggles with infertility, she reflects on kin and kinship and on what it means to leave a legacy. Moss’s wise, droll voice and limitless curiosity lift this narrative beyond any narrow focus. Among her interests: yellow fever, good cocktails, the history of New Orleans, and, always, the natural world, including the praying mantis in her sunroom whom she names Claude. And we learn about the inspiring women in Moss’s family—her mother, her grandmother, and her great-grandmother—as she sorts out her feelings that this line will end with her. But Moss discovers that there are ways besides having children to make a mark, and that grief is not a stopping place but a companion that travels along with us through everything, even happiness. A remarkably honest memoir about heartache and healing, __Flesh & Blood__ opens up a conversation with the millions of women who live with infertility and loss. Cover 1 Also by N. West Moss 3 Title Page 4 Copyright Page 5 Dedication 6 Contents 7 Prologue 14 Part One: Pre-Diagnosis 16 One: Blood 18 Two: The Lifted Corner 25 Three: Dilation and Curettage 36 Four: The Feral Cat and the French Fries 43 Five: Waving to Mom through the Hospital Window 48 Six: Fireflies and Lightning Bugs 51 Seven: Fireflies and Lightning Bugs 57 Eight: Plausible Eternity 60 Nine: The Brightness of the Middle 64 Ten: Hemangioma 69 Eleven: Diagnosis 71 Twelve: The Plan 73 Thirteen: Abandon Hope 77 Part Two: Pre-Op 80 Fourteen: Unheard Stories 82 Fifteen: Writing to the Monks 84 Sixteen: To the Abbey 89 Seventeen: Calendars 93 Eighteen: Keeping Track of Days 95 Nineteen: Damming Up Streams 96 Twenty: A Crack in Me the Size of the World 101 Twenty-One: Along the Path 103 Twenty-Two: Shade 105 Twenty-Three: Instructions on My Death 108 Twenty-Four: Grief-y Happiness 113 Twenty-Five: Questions for My Doctor 116 Twenty-Six: Checking Under the Hood 120 Twenty-Seven: Under the Hood 121 Twenty-Eight: Unstoppable Things 124 Twenty-Nine: Growing Up 127 Thirty: Curl of Smoke 128 Thirty-One: The Path to the Abbey 130 Thirty-Two: Where Are the Grown-Ups? 132 Thirty-Three: Hoping 139 Thirty-Four: Claude 141 Thirty-Five: To-Do 143 Thirty-Six: An Untied Balloon 146 Part Three: At the Hospital for Surgery 148 Thirty-Seven: Chilly Rooms 150 Thirty-Eight: Code Blue 153 Thirty-Nine: Wheeling into Surgery 155 Forty: Happiness and Ostrich Feathers 158 Forty-One: Just Post-Op 163 Forty-Two: Vivid Confusion 166 Forty-Three: Unpacking 169 Forty-Four: Mothers and Daughters 174 Part-Four: Home Again 178 Forty-Five: Going Home 180 Forty-Six: Coffee in an Egg Cup 182 Forty-Seven: A Bed of Polar Bears 186 Forty-Eight: Trumpet Music from Next Door 189 Forty-Nine: Silvano’s Garden 193 Fifty: Mom’s Celery Broth Recipe 197 Fifty-One: Wheatena 199 Fifty-Two: The Volume of the World 200 Fifty-Three: Shivering 203 Fifty-Four: Learning to Read 206 Fifty-Five: In Another Room 208 Fifty-Six: A Question for Mom 211 Fifty-Seven: Mantids in Winter 215 Fifty-Eight: Cocktail Time: A Setback 217 Part Five: Relapse 220 Fifty-Nine: Matzo Brei and the Color of Blood 222 Sixty: Carving Camellias 229 Sixty-One: Mom Returns 233 Sixty-Two: Turning Corners 237 Sixty-Three: Percocet 239 Sixty-Four: “Despairing” 241 Sixty-Five: Scalpel vs Bullet 245 Sixty-Six: The Depths 247 Sixty-Seven: The Dissection 250 Sixty-Eight: My Corner 254 Sixty-Nine: Women of a Certain Age 257 Seventy: Egg Sacs 261 Seventy-One: Mom Leaves for Real 265 Part Six: No One but Us 268 Seventy-Two: Almost Upstairs 270 Seventy-Three: No Rush, No Rush 272 Seventy-Four: To the Abbey 275 Seventy-Five: Reminders 279 Seventy-Six: An Adventure 281 Seventy-Seven: Mom’s Answer 283 Part Seven: Holland and Beyond 288 Seventy-Eight: Eindhoven 290 Seventy-Nine: A. L. Snijders 300 Eighty: The Past Is Never Over 305 Eighty-One: Claude, the Abbey, and the Feral Cat 308 Eighty-Two: Storing Up Beauty 311 Epilogue 316 Acknowledgments 318