First comes love : on marriage and other ways of being together

**'I absolutely loved this book. A fascinating, funny and ultimately moving exploration of marriage in the 21st century, voiced flawlessly - each interjection more perfect that the last' Evie Wyld** It was one thing to get married when your parents, your neighbours, your community insisted on it, when a sacred union for heterosexuals was not just one option but the only option. It's quite another to keep doing it in when free of that societal and religious pressure. What is the allure of an institution grounded in patriarchy, in elitism, in white supremacy in the West, an institution that invalidated all but one kind of love till quite recently? Why do so many of us fight against these social ills while also posting pictures of proposals on Instagram? Is it possible to be married while subverting the institution by doing it one's own way, or is marriage having the last laugh after all? Tom Rasmussen comes from a Northern, working class family, for whom marriage in the centrepiece of life. They are also a male-bodied, non-binary queer person in a relationship with a man. Journeying through wildly different weddings, visits to wedding planners, interviews with the much-married, those who have questioned their decision to marry, and those who would never consider matrimony, this is an incisive, witty and moving look at marriage - as an achievement, a compromise, a selling-out, a practical solution. Tom Rasmussen examines what marriage means across the spectrum of sexuality and class, and what the future looks like for this most historic and universal of institutions. Tom Rasmussen finds themselves straddling two camps, that of their Northern, working class family for whom marriage is the centrepiece of life, and as a male-bodied, non-binary queer in a relationship with a man. Through journeys to wildly different weddings ranging from the most traditional to the unrecognizably unorthodox, visits to wedding planners, interviews of the much-married, those who have questioned their decision to marry over lockdown, or those who would never consider matrimony, these incisive witty and often moving essays look at marriage as an achievement, a compromise, a selling-out, and a practical solution. They examine what marriage means, along the whole spectrum of sexuality, for the working class, the middle class, the upper class and what the future looks like for marriage, the most historic and universal of institutions. Can Tom have the wedding of their dreams in a white Vera Wang dress while their family dabs at their eyes around them - or is it appropriate to reject this heteronormative ritual? Is there a way to reconcile the two without letting either down? And moreover, can any of us with any sense, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, justify it? What is marriage good for - and if the answer is absolutely nothing, why are still so obsessed with it? Cover Half Title Series Title Copyright Dedication Contents Introduction: Every Second Someone in the World Gets Married 1 A Classy Wedding 2 Not All Marriage Is Created Equal 3 The Queer Opiate? 4 Married to Freedom 5 Ghosts 6 The Business of Dreams 7 The Holy Trinity 8 Forever, Over 9 Audiences Acknowledgements