Fired! : Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, and Dismissed

Cover Colophon Title Page Copyright Dedication Epigraph Contents Introduction Who Came Up with the Phrase "You're fired"? Chapter 1 The Job So Terrible You Can Only Hope to Be Fired That's a Factby Andy Borowitz The Big Red Shoe Diariesby Paul Feig Bimmy in Trainingby Larry Charles The Snuggeryby Eric Gilliland Bruce Cameron Remodels Your Redundancy Don't Call Me, I'll Call Youby Judy Gold Poor Judgmentby Illeana Douglas Number One Pooper-Scooperby Robert Reich Nestingby Jessica van der Valk When Children Fire Youby Ian Gomez Chapter 2 The Firing You Didn't See Coming The Little Fuck That Couldby Sandra Tsing LohExtra! Extra!by Brian Unger Schadenfreudeby Anne Meara Sent to Cyberiaby Lori Gottlieb Harry Shearer Minds His Credibility Gap Fired by the Queen and Dumped by Trumpby Joyce Beber Felicity Huffman on Popping Your Cherry Dead Man Workingby Jason Kravits The Do-Beeby Martha McCully David Cross Might Just Be Too Big Mauveby Jack Merrill Friedby Hillary Carlip One of Them Storiesby Tate Donovan Steak Todayby Wildman Weiner Substandard Performanceby Anonymous Dahling, It's Eva Gaborby Glenn Rosenblum Chapter 3 The Time You Deserved to Be FiredVideo, Videoby Paul F. Tompkins Short Endsby Jonathan Groff Crimes and Mythdemeanorsby Annabelle Gurwitch That Garlin Boy: An Interview with Jeff Garlin Right On!by Jill Soloway Friendlessby Fisher Stevens Bill Maher: Warm Body Telling Jokes The Postman Never Rings Twiceby Richard Colburn Ba-looney Tunesby Matt Walsh Grrl Genius Gets Cannedby Cathryn Michon All Those Partsby Shirley Gurwitch Chapter 4 The Time Getting Fired Leads You to Something Better Patricia Heaton Hopes You Enjoy Your Stay Jimmy the Idiotby Dana Gould The World's Worst Waiterby Jeff KahnI'll Knock Your Block Offby Andy Dick Bob Saget Doesn't Sit Here Anymore Can You Get Fired If You Aren't Being Paid?by Morgan Spurlock I Was the Masterby Tim Allen Madison Scare Gardenby Elizabeth Warner D.L. Hughley: Lot and Lobby to Late Night No Shirt, No Shoes, No Serviceby Maxine Lapiduss But We'd Love to Work with You Againby Judd Apatow Shock and Remorseby Lilly Anderson Chapter 5 The Time You Had to Fire Yourself A Thoroughly Modern Firingby Tonya Pinkins Remembrance of Porn Pastby Scott Carter Last Shift at the Fetish Deliby Mark Haskell SmithAttractive in a Bad Wayby Rob Cohen Cappi's Pizza and Sangweech Shopby Carl Capotorto No More Rain Daysby Janet M. Lorenz Recipe for the Recently Redundantby Walter Scheib The Fired Songby Roy Zimmerman The Letter You Wish You'd Sent to Your Boss! Now You Can! Notes Acknowledgments If you've ever been fired, you're in good company. That's what actress and writer Annabelle Gurwitch discovered when she was fired by her idol Woody Allen ("You look retarded"). She confided her tale of woe to her friend Felicity Huffman, who made Annabelle laugh with her own stories. Annabelle realized that there was a world of people out there waiting to laugh at the experience that virtually everyone shares, and she began to collect stories of being fired from friends and colleagues. Soon she was contributing regular "Fired!" segments to Day to Day on NPR and gathering friends to appear with her in sold-out performances of Fired! in Los Angeles and New York. Fired!, her documentary film inspired by these stories, comes out in 2006. This book is a collection of hilarious but true tales from people who've all gotten the ax, the boot, or been canned at some point in their lives. In "That's a Fact," Andy Borowitz tells the story of being fired as a writer for the television sitcom The Facts of Life after being informed that he just didn't "get" Tootie. "Take that hanger off your head, you idiot!" were the last words Jeff Garlin heard before being fired from Spec's Music store after only one day on the job, just one of the many firings he recounts in "That Garlin Boy." In "Jimmy the Idiot," Dana Gould sums up his firing from the cast of the sitcom Working that led him to become a producer of The Simpsons: "In the second episode, I was a math genius, in the third -- a motocross racer, and in the fourth episode I was replaced by a chimp, but nobody noticed." In "Poor Judgment," Illeana Douglas tells about being fired after a few hours of working as a coat check girl: "How is it possible to be fired from hanging coats? I have arms. I know what coats are. I don't come home and throw my coat on the floor. I hang it in a closet. I have experience." How did Bob Saget find out he was being phased out of his job on The Morning Program? "One day I showed up and my hosting chair was gone!" With an all-star cast from Tim Allen to Morgan Spurlock, from Anne Meara to David Cross, and contributions from people from all over the country, this book proves it's not the bounce that counts, it's the bounce back. This book is a collection of hilarious but true tales from people who've all gotten the ax, the boot, or been canned at some point in their lives. Andy Borowitz tells the story of being fired as a writer for the television sitcom The Facts of Life after being informed that he just didn't "get" Tootie. Dana Gould sums up his firing from the cast of the sitcom Working that led him to become a producer of The Simpsons. Illeana Douglas tells about being fired after a few hours of working as a coat check girl: "How is it possible to be fired from hanging coats? I have arms. I know what coats are. I have experience." With an all-star cast from Tim Allen to Morgan Spurlock, from Anne Meara to David Cross, and contributions from people from all over the country, this book proves it's not the bounce that counts, it's the bounce back.--From publisher description