Disrupting the Bystander: Subtitle Changed from Intervening Against Interpersonal Harm to When #metoo Happens among Friends

We were not prepared for #metoo when it blew up Twitter in October 2017. In many ways, we still aren't. What do we do when we learn a friend has been harmed? And what does it mean to be a good friend when someone we love caused the harm? We live in a society that confines survivors to silence. Our only avenues to address harm do little to prevent its recurrence. Trapped within a binary of silence or punishment, it's no wonder so many of us remain paralyzed even as the disclosures continue. Punishment requires both certainty and authority, which most bystanders lack. But once the silence has been broken, we can't return to it. Few of us are strangers to the nagging feeling that arises within that paralysis. We intuit—correctly—that we have some kind of responsibility when harm happens in our communities, but what is it? And if we have responsibility, do we have rights? Combining behavioral neuroscience and insights from those on the frontlines of harm intervention, __Disrupting the Bystander__ helps us break out of paralysis so that we can best support those we love—whether they were hurt or hurt someone else. We were not prepared for #metoo when it blew up Twitter in October 2017. In many ways, we still aren't. What do we do when we learn a friend has been harmed? And what does it mean to be a good friend when someone we love caused the harm? We live in a society that confines survivors to silence. Our only avenues to address harm do little to prevent its recurrence. Trapped within a binary of silence or punishment, it's no wonder so many of us remain paralyzed even as the disclosures continue. Punishment requires both certainty and authority, which most bystanders lack. But once the silence has been broken, we can't return to it. Few of us are strangers to the nagging feeling that arises within that paralysis. We intuit—correctly—that we have some kind of responsibility when harm happens in our communities, but what is it? And if we have responsibility, do we have rights? Combining behavioral neuroscience and insights from those on the frontlines of harm intervention, Disrupting the Bystander helps us break out of paralysis so that we can best support those we love—whether they were hurt or hurt someone else. Front Cover 1 Title Page 4 Half Title 6 Copyright 7 Dedication 8 Contents 12 Acknowledgments 14 Foreword 18 Introduction 28 A Note About Language 36 A Reminder to You 46 Part I: When Someone You Know Was Harmed 50 Chapter 1: Remember the Human 51 Setting Priorities: Shift, Shelter, and Shape 56 Body Talk 60 Chapter 2: Shift 66 What to Say 75 What to Avoid 83 When You Mess Up 99 Chapter 3: Shelter 102 The Pod 104 What a Pod Does 111 Building a Pod 119 Getting People Involved 127 Pod Mapping 129 Chapter 4: Shape 131 Tending to the Self 132 Tending to the Community 140 Supporting Survivors: A Summary 150 Part II: The Art of Caring for Ourselves 152 Chapter 5: Self-Care for Supporters 153 Noticing 154 Discernment 157 Recharging 164 Note of Caution: Trauma Mastery 177 Part III: When Your Friend Has Harmed 180 Chapter 6: Friendship Has Power 181 Like a Friend 184 Confronting Harm 192 Our Friends, Our Business 199 When There’s a Callout 221 Measuring Success 229 Conclusion 232 Epilogue 234 Index 238 Public displays of abusive dynamics aren't limited to the'lover's quarrel'that we so often witness (silently). Abuse can arise in any interpersonal relationship. Coercing a friend to loan money or isolate from others is abuse. Mocking a coworker with racial slurs or homophobic insults is abuse. A community leader using their position and influence to maintain control over their friends or partners is abuse. Societal reluctance to identify these behaviors as abuse can lead to the'bystander effect'or'bystander apathy,'where witnesses hesitate or outright refrain from intervening in moments of crisis. By normalizing this reluctance, we are failing survivors. Confronting abuse in our interpersonal spaces requires identifying abuse as it happens and strategies for proactive, compassionate intervention. Disrupting the Bystander provides the toolkit for the lapsed bystander to learn how to identify and intervene in situations of interpersonal abuse. Combining behavioral neuroscience and insights from those on the frontlines of harm intervention, Disrupting the Bystander helps us break out of paralysis so that we can best support those we love-- whether they were hurt or hurt someone else.-- back cover