Dave Barry's homes and other black holes : the happy homeowner's guide to ritual closing ceremonies, Newton's first law of furniture buying, the lethal chemicals man, and other perils of the American dream

Amazon.com Review So much classic humor comes from anxiety--think of all the befuddled "little men," from There's nobody better than Barry to mine this territory, and every page of Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes yields up nuggets of the good stuff. Here are a few words from somebody who has been there, done that: "Most experts recommend that, for maximum effectiveness, you should look at forty-five or even fifty houses per day. Experienced home shoppers often reach the point where they can leap out of the real estate broker's car, look at a house, and get back into the car before it reaches a complete stop." The book also discusses the myriad details of settling into your new life, including a section on making new enemies, dealing with contractors, and redecorating. "The main tip you will pick up is that if you want your house to look really nice, you do not necessarily have to have professional training or even a 'flair' for design; all you need is to have more money than the human mind can comprehend." As always, Barry is assisted throughout by the illustrations of Jeff (Shoe) MacNelly, making Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes a very funny book and excellent housewarming gift. --Michael Gerber Product Description "Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him." --The New York Times Book Review THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before: What's the best way to determine a realistic price range? Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six. Can you recommend a good mortgage? There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead. How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects? Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too. Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn? Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.

"mr. Barry Is The Funniest Man In America And We Should Encourage Him."
—the New York Times Book Review There's No Place Like Home—except In A Seller's Market At Long Last, Dave Barry, The Dean Of Everything, Lets You In On The Deepest, Darkest Mysteries Of Life And Answers Your Hysterical Home Purchase Questions Like They've Never Been Answered Before:
What's The Best Way To Determine A Realistic Price Range?
take Your Total Family Income, Including Coins That Have Fallen Behind The Bureau, And Any Projected Future Revenue You Have Been Notified About Via Personalized Letters From Mr. Ed Mcmahon Stating That You May Already Have Won 14 Million Dollars. Then, Multiply By Something Other Than Six.
Can You Recommend A Good Mortgage?
there Are Several Kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, And The Bank's Secret Weapons, The Party Hat Mortgage And The Mortgage Of The Living Dead.
How Can I Avoid Spending Money On Do-it-yourself Homeowner's Projects?
find A Contractor. Their Silent Motto Is "we Never Show Up." The Romans Lived Among The Ruins. You Must Too.
Is There A Secret To Having A Beautiful Lawn?
yes And No. If You Fail To Feed, Fertilize, And Water Your Lawn, It Will Die. However, If You Feed, Fertilize, And Water Your Lawn, It Will Die.

publishers Weekly

the Author Of Babies And Other Hazards Of Sex Finds Humor In All The Assorted Miseries Of Homeowning, From Deciding Which House To Buy (``take Your Total Annual Family Income, Including Coins That Have Fallen Behind The Bureau . . . '') And Dealing With Real Estate Brokers (who Always Insist That ``there Is Virtually Nothing, Outside Of The Third World, Available In Your Price Range'') To Moving (`` `what Have You Done With Jennifer?' ''). ``getting Some Fool To Buy Your House'' Is Only One Of The Many Helpful Chapters. There Is A Guide To Mortgagesfixed-rate, Variable-rate And The Mortgage Whose Rate Is Based On What Order The Teams Finish In The National League East, And So Onand A Section On How To Move Pets (crates Have Their Drawbacks) And Children (crates Don't Work Here Either). The Only Thing Worse Than Dealing With Contractors, Maintains Barry, Is Doing-it-yourself, For It Will Cost A Small Fortune For Someone To Undo What You Did. There Are Aspects Of This Book That Crackle With The Wit Of A Woody Allen Routine (``how To Get Very Deeply Into Debt'') And There Are Parts That Verge On Slapstick (``finding Somebody To Fix Your Car'') But The Humor Is All Good And Pleasantly Funny. Illustrations By The Pulitzer-prize-winning Creator Of ``shoe'' Are Amusing Accompaniments. (september)

In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula: 1. Take your total annual family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won fourteen million dollars.