Codependency for Dummies

Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency Codependency For Dummies, 2 nd Edition is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date. Written in plain English and packed with sensitive, authoritative information, it describes the history, symptoms, causes, and relationship dynamics of codependency. The majority of the book is devoted to healing and lays out a clear plan for recovery with exercises, practical advice, and daily reminders to help you know, honor, protect, and express yourself. New to this edition are chapters on working the Twelve Steps to recover from codependency and how therapists/coaches/nurses are affected by codependency. Codependence is primarily a learned behavior from our family of origin. Some cultures have it to a greater degree than others—some still see it as a normal way of living. Yet the costs of codependence can include distrust, faulty expectations, passive-aggressiveness, control, self-neglect, over-focus on others, manipulation, intimacy issues, and a slew of other harmful traits. Codependence causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans—not just women and loved ones of addicts. Codependency For Dummies, 2 nd Edition offers authoritative and trusted guidance on ways to raise your self-esteem, detach and let go, set boundaries, recognize healthy vs. dysfunctional relationships, overcome guilt and resentment, and much more. Helps you break the pattern of conduct that keeps you in harmful relationships Provides trusted guidance to create healthy boundaries, coping skills, and expectations Offers advice for eliminating feelings of guilt, blame, and feeling overly responsible Explains the difference between care-giving and codependent care-taking If you're trapped in the cycle of codependency and looking for help, Codependency For Dummies, 2 nd Edition offers trusted advice and a clear plan for recovery. Title Page......Page 3 Copyright Page......Page 4 Table of Contents......Page 7 Introduction......Page 15 About This Book......Page 16 Icons Used in This Book......Page 17 Where to Go from Here......Page 18 Part I: Getting Started on Overcoming Codependency......Page 19 An overview......Page 21 Why relationships hurt......Page 22 The work of neo-Freudian Karen Horney......Page 24 The infl uence of family systems therapy......Page 26 A codependent society......Page 27 The codependency debate......Page 28 The Spectrum of Codependency......Page 29 The Stages of Codependency and Recovery......Page 31 Early stage of codependency and recovery......Page 32 Middle stage of codependency and recovery......Page 33 Late stage of codependency and recovery......Page 35 Going over the four basic steps......Page 37 Defining Codependency......Page 43 The Core of Codependency — A Lost Self......Page 45 Is it an addiction? A disease?......Page 46 Cross-addictions......Page 47 Women and codependency......Page 48 Codependency isn’t caregiving......Page 49 Codependency isn’t kindness......Page 50 Codependency isn’t interdependency......Page 51 Hidden Shame......Page 53 Low self-esteem......Page 55 Guilt — “I’m always sorry”......Page 57 The elusive pursuit of perfection......Page 59 What Are My Rights and Limits?......Page 60 My boundaries......Page 61 We’re one — “What’s mine is yours”......Page 63 Keep away — “What’s mine is mine”......Page 64 Depending on Someone Too Much......Page 65 Fears of rejection......Page 66 “Can’t get you out of my mind”......Page 67 You’re my mojo......Page 68 Lack of Assertiveness......Page 69 Saying what you think and feel......Page 70 Being a human reactor......Page 71 Verbal abuse......Page 72 Control and Caretaking......Page 74 A haywire system......Page 75 Control through manipulation......Page 76 Control through kindness......Page 77 The seesaw of codependency......Page 78 Enabling......Page 79 Painful Emotions......Page 80 Fear and shame anxiety......Page 81 Anger and resentment......Page 82 Despair and depression......Page 83 Physical Symptoms......Page 84 The Purpose of Denial......Page 85 Types of Denial......Page 86 Type 1: Denying someone’s behavior......Page 87 Type 2: Denying my codependency......Page 90 Type 3: “Don’t ask me how I feel”......Page 91 Type 4: “My needs don’t matter”......Page 93 Recovery Builds Self-Awareness......Page 94 Codependency Assessments......Page 95 Do You Exhibit Codependent Patterns?......Page 99 Have You Been Affected by Addiction?......Page 101 Part II: Breakthrough to Recovery — Healing Yourself......Page 103 Recovery requires change......Page 105 Recovery isn’t a straight path......Page 107 Support is critical......Page 108 Attend Twelve Step meetings......Page 109 Seek psychotherapy......Page 110 Must You Believe in God?......Page 111 Telling Others about Your Recovery......Page 112 Were You Loved for Who You Are? — A Psychodynamic View......Page 113 The effect of inadequate mirroring......Page 114 What Makes a Family Healthy or Not — A Family Systems View......Page 116 Healthy families......Page 117 Dysfunctional families......Page 120 Abuse......Page 128 Drug addiction......Page 131 The Wounded Child......Page 135 Your child’s characteristics......Page 136 Your child’s needs......Page 137 Befriending your child Self......Page 138 Healing shame......Page 141 Grieving Losses — Feel to Heal......Page 143 The childhood you missed......Page 144 Faces of grief......Page 145 Confrontations......Page 147 Kinds of trauma......Page 149 Symptoms of trauma......Page 150 Getting help......Page 151 Building an Internal Guidance System......Page 153 Building self-awareness......Page 154 Listening to your body......Page 157 Knowing what you feel......Page 158 Identifying your wants......Page 162 Trusting yourself......Page 165 Identifying your values......Page 166 Being Your Authentic Self......Page 167 The Tyrannical Trio — the Critic, Pusher, and Perfectionist......Page 169 Re-educating the Critic......Page 170 Relaxing the Pusher — your slave driver......Page 171 Feeling Good about You......Page 173 No more blame and excuses......Page 174 Taking action......Page 175 Becoming authentic......Page 176 Positive self-talk......Page 177 Keeping commitments to yourself......Page 179 Self-forgiveness......Page 180 Self-love......Page 181 The Mind-Body Connection......Page 185 Nurture your body......Page 187 Move your body......Page 188 Delight your senses......Page 189 Recreation and vacations......Page 191 Hobbies and creative expression......Page 193 Meditation speeds recovery......Page 194 Types of meditation......Page 195 Meet Your Social Needs......Page 199 Part III: Healing Your Relationships with Others......Page 201 Over-Involvement versus Nonattachment......Page 203 What is nonattachment?......Page 204 Stepping back and letting go......Page 205 Self-Responsibility......Page 206 Helping Too Much......Page 208 What if you were asked to help?......Page 209 What are your expectations?......Page 211 Getting Triggered and Reacting......Page 214 Acceptance isn’t approval......Page 217 Acceptance of someone’s addiction......Page 218 Re-mind mantras......Page 219 Meditation and mindfulness......Page 220 Contrary action......Page 221 Q.T.I.P.: Quit taking it personally......Page 222 From you......Page 223 From others......Page 224 Communicating Effectively......Page 225 Becoming assertive — the six Cs......Page 226 Expressing feelings......Page 229 Taking a stand......Page 230 Codependent pitfalls......Page 231 Setting Boundaries......Page 233 The importance of having limits......Page 234 Limits and consequences......Page 235 Taking action......Page 237 Confronting abuse......Page 238 Recognizing domestic violence......Page 240 Handling Conflict......Page 241 Rules of engagement......Page 242 Changing Your Dance......Page 243 Coping with an addict or alcoholic......Page 244 After sobriety......Page 245 Family visits......Page 246 Facts to remember......Page 247 Becoming Counter-Dependent......Page 248 Types of relationships......Page 249 Falling in love......Page 251 Sexual self-esteem......Page 253 Acceptance......Page 254 Beginning a sexual relationship......Page 255 Addiction......Page 256 Recipe for Healthy Relationships......Page 257 A healthy Self......Page 258 Essential ingredients......Page 259 Relationships that last......Page 261 Navigating Autonomy and Intimacy......Page 265 Pursuing and distancing— level four......Page 266 Splitting and knitting — level three......Page 267 Harmonizing — level one......Page 268 Pseudo-intimacy......Page 269 Being authentic and vulnerable......Page 270 Coping with Loneliness......Page 271 Part IV: Moving On and Maintaining Recovery......Page 275 Internal locus of control......Page 277 Affirm yourself......Page 278 Overcome indecisiveness......Page 280 Dreams, passions, and work......Page 282 Set Goals......Page 285 Develop your vision......Page 286 Gather information......Page 288 Baby steps......Page 289 Twelve Step meetings......Page 291 Other support groups......Page 293 Psychotherapy......Page 294 Couples counseling......Page 296 Recommended Reading......Page 297 Emergency Numbers......Page 298 Step One – Accepting Powerlessness......Page 299 Facing powerlessness......Page 300 Step Two — Finding Hope......Page 301 Step Three — Letting Go......Page 302 Step Four — Examining Ourselves......Page 304 Step Five — Sharing Our Shame......Page 307 Step Six — Accepting Ourselves......Page 308 Step Seven — Humbling Ourselves......Page 309 Step Eight — Identifying Who You’ve Harmed......Page 310 Step Nine — Making Amends......Page 311 Step Ten — Cleaning the Slate Daily......Page 312 Step Eleven — Staying Close to Your Higher Power......Page 313 Step Twelve — Practicing These Principles......Page 315 Recovery Is a Life Journey......Page 317 Why progress is cyclical......Page 318 Signs of codependency creep......Page 319 Getting Triggered......Page 320 Crossovers and Sequels......Page 321 New relationships......Page 322 Your codependency in groups......Page 323 You’re human!......Page 326 Take responsibility......Page 327 Are you neglecting self-care?......Page 328 Part V: The Part of Tens......Page 329 Have a Spiritual Practice......Page 331 Meet Your Needs......Page 332 Protect Yourself......Page 333 Gentle Yourself......Page 334 Pursue Your Passions......Page 335 Do Focus on Yourself......Page 337 Do Let Go......Page 338 Do Honor Your Feelings......Page 339 Don’t Hurry......Page 340 Don’t Try to be Perfect......Page 341 Don’t Isolate......Page 342 Index......Page 343 EULA......Page 363 Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date. Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date. Written in plain English and packed with sensitive, authoritative information, it describes the history, symptoms, causes, and relationship dynamics of codependency. The majority of the book is devoted to healing and lays out a clear plan for recovery with exercises, practical advice, and daily reminders to help you know, honor, protect, and express yourself. New to this edition are chapters on working the Twelve Steps to recover from codependency and how therapists/coaches/nurses are affected by codependency. Codependence is primarily a learned behavior from our family of origin. Some cultures have it to a greater degree than others-some still see it as a normal way of living. Yet the costs of codependence can include distrust, faulty expectations, passive-aggressiveness, control, self-neglect, over-focus on others, manipulation, intimacy issues, and a slew of other harmful traits. Codependence causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans-not just women and loved ones of addicts. Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition offers authoritative and trusted guidance on ways to raise your self-esteem, detach and let go, set boundaries, recognize healthy vs. dysfunctional relationships, overcome guilt and resentment, and much more. Helps you break the pattern of conduct that keeps you in harmful relationships Provides trusted guidance to create healthy boundaries, coping skills, and expectations Offers advice for eliminating feelings of guilt, blame, and feeling overly responsible Explains the difference between care-giving and codependent care-taking If you're trapped in the cycle of codependency and looking for help, Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition offers trusted advice and a clear plan for recovery