Between love and hate: A guide to civilized divorce: How to resolve conflict, improve communication, a. avoid costly legal battles!

ix a different decision-making forum, and the family's or community's encouragement to divorce in a way that allows them to preserve some dignity and self-esteem and that protects their children from unnecessary risk and harm.Between Love and Hate is a wonderful book. Immensely readable, very human, at times quite moving, it is packed with information that will help couples divorce in a more civilized way.It is an excellent resource as well for mediators, psychotherapists, and attorneys who assist divorcing couples. Lois Gold has managed the difficult task of integrating diverse fields of knowledge and expertise, including family systems theory and practice, communication skills, negotiation theory and mediation concepts and skills, research on divorcing adults and children, and clinical observation. This book could have been three books, each quite separate, focusing on the adult process of disengaging from marriage and moving toward healing, parenting during and after divorce, and preparing for and successfully mediating divorce agreements. It is extremely helpful for the reader experiencing the bewildering facets of divorce to have these difficult processes combined in a way that rnirrors their reality.Between Love and Hate stands out among a large number of books available for divorcing men and women. One of the things that distinguished it from others is the extent to which readers are given genuine help in learning about and beginning the process of separating their behavior from their strong feelings. A wide range of exercises and self-evaluation tools are provided for the reader to take multiple steps toward achieving a civilized divorce: checklists, written and visualization exercises, brief questionnaires, key pointers, practical advice, sample letters, and symbolic gestures and rituals-each is intended to promote more rational thinking, more effective action, more enlightened self-interest, and, ultimately, healing and a moving forward.Between Love and Hate has charted the high road. The book invites divorcing spouses to consciously choose a better course of action, explains why it is in their self-interest to do so, and Foreword xi aged to report, distort, spy, and reject, grow wary and weary, distrustful, and ultimately cynical. While their parents may feel they won the battle, the children feelas though they have lost the war. They deserve much better.The civilized divorce is possible. It is difficult. It takes resolve, conscious effort, learning, practice, and self-evaluation. The longlasting outcomes for those participants who decide to divorce in a civilized mannerare worth it.I want to thank my many friends and colleagues who read sections of the book and whose editorial comments and words of encouragement clarified my own thinking and cheered me on. I particularly want to thank Janet Neuman, Jim Melamed, and Herb Trubo for reading an earlier draft of the manuscript and Because virtually nothing can exceed the gut-wrenching pain of divorce, many divorcing couples feel compelled to proceed to the nearest lawyer to enact a professionally orchestrated game of war. A better way exists, however. Lois Gold illustrates how you can end your marriage with dignity and ensure that all concerned -- including your children -- emerge with their sanity and well-being intact. Rather than entrusting your child's happiness, your home, and your livelihood to the whim of the courts, this remarkable book invites you to travel the more humane road of divorce mediation, where the real client is the post-divorce family rather than just one individual. You will learn the fundamental skills of negotiation and conflict resolution and become a join decision maker with your spouse, for everyone's good. Following the practical advice offered in this essential book can help you acquire the tools that will make all the difference in the world. -- From publisher's description Front Matter....Pages i-xxviii Front Matter....Pages 1-1 A New Way....Pages 3-14 Separation....Pages 15-32 Timing....Pages 33-52 The Seven Keys to a Constructive Divorce....Pages 53-70 Healing....Pages 71-79 Front Matter....Pages 81-81 Helping Children....Pages 83-98 Parenting Plans....Pages 99-127 Parenting as a Lasting Partnership....Pages 129-139 Front Matter....Pages 141-141 Border Skirmishes Don’t Have to Turn into Nuclear War....Pages 143-152 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen....Pages 153-174 Diagnose the Dispute....Pages 175-192 Front Matter....Pages 193-193 Getting Ready to Negotiate....Pages 195-211 Win-Win Negotiating Strategies....Pages 213-228 Working Toward a Settlement....Pages 229-246 Mediation....Pages 247-254 Lawyers and the Legal Process....Pages 255-278 Front Matter....Pages 279-279 Conflicts After Divorce....Pages 281-300 Difficult Spouses/Difficult Ex’s....Pages 301-319 Moving Toward the Light....Pages 321-323 Back Matter....Pages 325-353

Divorce is a tragedy--a tragedy that occurs one million times a year. How you look back upon this crucial milestone in your life is your choice. Following the practical advice offered in this essential book can help you acquire the tools that will make all the difference in the world. As so many of Gold's clients have said, "I failed at my marriage. I'm not going to fail at my divorce."

Divorce is a tragedy--a tragedy that occurs one million times a year. How you look back upon this crucial milestone in your life is your choice. Following the practical advice offered in this essential book can help you acquire the tools that will make all the difference in the world. As so many of Gold's clients have said, "I failed at my marriage. I'm not going to fail at my divorce. "