A Woman s Guide to Successful Negotiating : How to Convince, Collaborate, & Create Your Way to Agreement, Second Edition

“Breakthrough perspective. Every woman can benefit from this indispensable guide to getting what you want.” —Cathie Black, Chairman, Hearst Magazines “No matter what the situation, this book provides you with the negotiating techniques and the overall confidence to deal with the issue.” —Rose Marie Bravo, Chief Executive Officer, Burberry Ltd. “Much of life is one great big negotiation and in A Woman’s Guide to Successful Negotiating, this father-daughter team lets women in on the secrets they have learned over their lifetimes.” —Gail Evans, Author, Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman SEE WHY ATLANTA WOMAN MaGaZiNE SELEcTED THiS BOOK aS ONE OF THE 50 BEST BOOKS FOr WOrKiNG WOMEN Are you afraid to ask for that raise or promotion or just don’t know how? Ever wonder why some women who get divorced end up with the financial re- sources they need to get on with their lives, while others suffer a drastic reduction in lifestyle? Discover the three keys to negotiating success for women. Understand the 10 most common mistakes that women make and how to avoid them. Learn from women such as CEO of Avon Andrea Jung, Chairman of Hearst Magazines Cathie Black, Emmy- winning actress Christine Baranski, and television anchor Alexis Glick how to get what you deserve in every aspect of your life, whether it is earning more money, buying your next car, or just getting your husband to help around the house.

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

The Three Keys to Success

Be Confident, Be Prepared, and Be Willing to Walk Away

You can have anything you want—if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.

—Abraham Lincoln

In writing this book, we interviewed women from all walks of life—corporate executives, lawyers, investment bankers, publishers, politicians, entrepreneurs, writers, musicians, actresses, agents, journalists, philanthropists, athletes—all very successful. Most have strong collaborative skills, many are extremely persuasive, and some excel at taking the negotiating situation they find and creating a different one that better suits their needs. Interestingly, almost universally they listed the same three qualities as being critical to success as a negotiator: confidence, preparation, and a willingness to walk away. These three qualities do not fall neatly within one of the convince, collaborate, or create categories, but rather, they are central to all three approaches. They are attitudes that you bring to negotiating. They form the underpinnings that enable someone to effectively use each of the three approaches.

BE CONFIDENT: WHY MEN DON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money.... It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.

—Ann Landers

Susanna Hoffs had just put together the Bangles, which would become the dominant all-female rock band of the 1980s, garner four platinum albums, and see two of their many hit singles, "Walk Like an Egyptian" and "Eternal Flame," make it to the top of the charts. She was performing with the band at a local club. Miles Copeland, the manager who had engineered the earlier success of the Go-Go's, approached them after the show to talk about representing them. Rather than acting as if she should be grateful for his interest, Susanna says, "I took the position that he should want to work with us because we were going places." It helped, of course, that at the time she had no idea who Miles Copeland was, and therefore she didn't know she should be nervous. Because of the confidence with which Susanna and the other Bangles approached those negotiations, they were able to work out a favorable deal to have Miles manage the group.

Confidence is the secret weapon in negotiating. Almost every woman we interviewed pointed to it as the key to their success as a negotiator. To gain agreement from others, you need to persuade them that what you are proposing is based on an accurate understanding of the facts, is fair, and is mutually beneficial. Studies have shown that whether someone believes what you say depends more on how you say it than on what you actually say. Put another way, to be truly persuasive, whatever you say, you must say with confidence.

You can take several steps to build your confidence. Erin Noonan, chief operating officer for Americas Sourcing at Barclays Capital, recommends reading books and taking classes on negotiating, which she "has done plenty of" over the course of her career. Understanding the negotiating process will add to your self-confidence. Often you will instinctively know the right thing to do, and all you need is confirmation. One of the nicest things anyone said about my first book, Get More Money on Your Next Job, which dealt with negotiating in the employment context, came from a young woman who told me that reading it gave her the confidence to ask a prospective employer to pay for her MBA. She told me, "It affirmed that what I was doing was okay."

Practice

You gain confidence through practice. Put the skills you learn from this book to use on a daily basis. Practice the active listening and purposeful questioning skills we discuss in Chapter 3 until you master them. Try using them at the dinner table with your husband and children. When others ask you for something, or you hear them ask someone else for something, try to use the collaborative skill of determining the underlying interests he or she is trying to satisfy.

Like driving a car, negotiating is a skill that must be learned. After reading the driver's manual and receiving your learner's permit, you don't just get into the car for the first time and know how to drive. You attend a driver's education class, you take driving lessons, or a parent or friend teaches you. While taking lessons, you also practice driving. You practice turning. You practice merging into traffic. You practice parallel parking, and then you practice parallel parking some more. Similarly, to master the art of negotiating, you must not only learn how; you must also practice. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will become. Remember how nervous you were the first time you drove on a highway? By now, you no longer even give it a second thought. Like driving, once you have done it enough, negotiating simply becomes second nature.

Find out about the People on the Other Side

Another way to boost your confidence is to learn as much as you can about the people with whom you will be negotiating. As Judge Kathy Roberts, a professional mediator and former U.S. magistrate, put it:

It is amazing that people don't do research about their adversaries. This is particularly important for women because if you find out about your opponent, you will be more confident. You will know what to expect. You can anticipate things. If you know someone is known for threatening to walk out at some point or for taunting women, you will not have the same reaction because you know it is coming. You will have thought out how you will respond when it happens.

The best way to find out about those with whom you are negotiating is to ask people who know them and who have negotiated with them before. The more you know about what to expect, the more confident you will be.

Confidence Equals Success

The more confidence you exude, the better you will negotiate. Conversely, insecurity reduces effectiveness, and a lack of success will further hurt your confidence. Because women typically do not learn to negotiate when they are growing up, as adults they are uncomfortable with their ability to do so. This lack of confidence frequently translates into poor results. So, they come to believe they are bad negotiators, when in fact they simply lack experience. Like any other skill, negotiating can be learned. And you should consider any negotiation successful if you learn something from it. Moreover, a negotiation does not necessarily end if you don't immediately reach an agreement. Sometimes the venue just changes. You will generally have other opportunities to get what you want by going back and trying again—with the same party at a later date, with someone else, or in some other way. The lessons you learn from one negotiation will help you in your next negotiation and every one thereafter.

Act Confident

Until you have gained sufficient confidence by mastering negotiating skills, simply act as if you know what you are doing: "Fake it until you make it." That is what men do. Men are every bit as uncomfortable as women when it comes to doing things that are new to them. Allison McGowen, formerly the chief operating officer for the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA, notes the difference is that "men are raised not to show their fear." While growing up, boys do not share their insecurities with their friends; as Jessica notes girls do. Instead, boys learn to put on a show of bravado. If someone pushes them, they push back—no matter how big the pusher or how scared they are. Boys seldom display fear in front of their male friends or, heaven forbid, their girlfriends. In fact, the more nervous men are, the more confident they try to act. Have you ever noticed how many men spend an entire first date talking about how terrific they are (even though this often results in its being their last date)? This is not just ego at work. It is nervousness, masked by bravado.

That is why men don't ask for directions. They do not want to show weakness. They would rather drive around aimlessly for hours. When you are lost, not asking for directions is silly. When you are negotiating, acting confident even when you are not, works. So, regardless of how you actually feel, act as if you are in control of the situation. Allison McGowen advises: "If you don't know what you are doing, act like you do and then go figure it out."

Exhibit confidence with the words you use, by the way you speak, and through your demeanor. Positive body language will signal confidence. Move forward to your audience. Uncross your arms. Use open-hand, palms-up gestures. Unbutton your jacket. Look the other person in the eye. Demonstrate that you are in control.

Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at Walden University and author of How to Be Your Own Therapist, advises: "Psych yourself up before you begin." She calls this "self-talk." Convince yourself that your position is right and that you deserve what you are seeking. If you believe it, so will the people with whom you are negotiating. Smile, look people in the eye, speak slowly, don't fidget, moderate your tone, and project your voice. Demonstrate that you are capable of being firm. You can speak softly as long as you speak with conviction. We are referring to a quiet confidence, not arrogance or bravado. When you negotiate, you don't have to know every detail. In fact, sometimes admitting that you do not know, or don't remember, something actually enhances your credibility. However, admitting to not knowing a detail is not the same as failing to display confidence in the positions you are advocating.

Carol Raphael, president and CEO of the Visiting Nurses Service of New York, was advised by a top labor negotiator the first time she had to negotiate a labor agreement: "Act decisively and exude confidence, even if you're quaking inside." She has taken that advice to heart, and not only with regard to union negotiations. No matter what she is feeling, she projects confidence: "Sometimes I will step out of the room and may feel queasy and uncomfortable, but no one will ever know it because when I walk back in the room I am unflappable." Remember the tagline from the old Secret deodorant commercials, "Never let them see you sweat"? That is good advice when you negotiate. If you are in doubt about what to do, find an excuse to take a break and seek advice.

A corollary to being confident is not to be apologetic about the positions you are taking, particularly if you are negotiating with men. Women often start off their statements with phrases such as "You may have already considered this, but ..." or "I could be wrong, but ..." Men view such statements as a sign of weakness and lack of conviction. Regardless of what you say after that, men will assume that you are willing to back down from your position. Instead, show that you want to collaborate. Be magnanimous. Say things like, "That's a good point" or "I've thought about what you said and ..." Such statements do not show a lack of conviction but rather that you are secure enough in your position to modify it to accommodate their concerns. Ultimately, as one senior executive we interviewed put it: "When you're dealing with men, never apologize unless you step on their foot."

BE PREPARED, OR BE PREPARED TO FAIL

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

—Thomas Jefferson

Negotiations are won or lost before you ever utter a word to the other party. Proper preparation is critical to achieving a successful outcome. Skilled negotiators understand the importance of preparation. Most of the women we interviewed even used the same phrase: "Do your homework." Lisa Bloom, legal analyst for CNN and a principal at the Bloom Law Firm, attributes her success as a young lawyer to always being better prepared than anyone else. She took the metaphor one step further by adding, "And do the extra credit reading."

Preparation may involve months of research, or as little as a few minutes that you set aside to think about things before you begin. Many of the negotiations you encounter on a daily basis will allow almost no time for preparation. Although each situation is different, here are some basic steps you should take before every negotiation.

Gather the Necessary Information

We cannot overemphasize the importance of understanding the facts, the players, and the "rules of the game." Before you begin to negotiate, gain a thorough mastery of the facts. Figure out which questions you want to ask, both to gain information and to make a point. Anticipate what questions the other side will ask, and determine how you plan to respond to them.

Gather information about the people with whom you'll be dealing. Are they honest? Can you trust them? Will they try to intimidate you? Do you know anyone in common? What is their negotiating style? In addition to talking with people that know them, the Internet offers an easy way to gather information. Don't limit yourself to using search engines like Google. Carol Biaggi, a producer and reporter for Bloomberg Television, notes, "Social media can be a huge advantage in finding out about the people you are negotiating with."

Try to determine how the other side expects the negotiations to proceed. Who do they expect will make the initial offer; how long do they think the process should take; and what do they define as proper etiquette? In other words, what are the "rules of the game"? Once you understand that, you can choose an appropriate strategy for playing the game—or whether this is even a game you want to play.

Once you have researched the basic facts, done your analysis, and figured out what you want, you are ready to begin. You can never know everything, but you can start and continue gathering information and make adjustments as you go along. Negotiating is an adaptive process. Today's world moves at "Internet speed." We are a society operating in real time, so making decisions or taking actions based on incomplete information is unavoidable. Prepare as much as you reasonably can, then move forward with confidence, knowing that you are probably better prepared than the person with whom you are dealing, particularly if you are negotiating with a man.

Decide on Your Goals and Objectives

Success in any negotiation requires knowing what you want. As Yogi Berra once said, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." Make a list of the things you would like to get; then prioritize which are most important. When you are developing your list, think about your underlying interests, not just what you want. Interests are why we want the things that we want. For example, you may want to purchase the empty lot next to your house to ensure that your view of the lake remains unobstructed. Buying the property is what you want, but your reason for wanting to do so is to prevent anything from being built that would impair your view. Focusing on your real interests, as well as your neighbors', may enable you to reach an agreement that accomplishes your goal even if they don't want to sell. By focusing on the underlying interests, you will see that there are ways to accomplish your objective other than purchasing the property. For example, you could get your neighbors to agree not to build anything that would obstruct your view in return for allowing them to share your driveway from the main road.

Determine the Other Person's Interests

Begin by finding out everything you can about the people with whom you are negotiating. What do they want? Why do they want it? What do they really need? What else do they care about? To do that, you may need to determine who besides the negotiator has a say in the outcome. When you are selling your house, for example, the real estate broker may be talking to the husband, but his wife may be calling the shots. If you want to close the deal, you must find out what she cares about. In that example, you could probably find out who is involved in the decision making and what is important to them by asking the real estate broker.

Bonnie Stone, president and chief executive officer of Women In Need, a nonprofit organization that runs homeless shelters, said it well:

Do your homework, and do the other person's homework. You need to know exactly what his or her needs are. The more you know, the easier it will be to craft a deal. To be successful, you have to know what the other person needs and wants.

How do you do that? Determine how he or she thinks and what he or she cares about. If the other party is your husband, or someone you know well, you will probably have a good sense of how the person thinks. If you don't know the other parties, talk to people who do. Avoid the "Me perspective," that is, looking at issues from your viewpoint rather than considering them from the other person's point of view.

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(Continues...) Excerpted from A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating by Lee E. Miller, Jessica Miller. Copyright © 2011 by Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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