500 dates : dispatches from the front lines of the online dating wars

Now several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced more than five hundred first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of fifty-five humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates. Among the true dating tales and revelations you will find in this book are: How Miller and his date learned the limitations of a man being too emotionally expressive. (Most guys consider revealing more about themselves emotionally and communicating on a deeper level nearly as enjoyable as falling face-first onto an ice pick or spending the rest of eternit. Read more... Abstract: Now several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced more than five hundred first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of fifty-five humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates. Among the true dating tales and revelations you will find in this book are: How Miller and his date learned the limitations of a man being too emotionally expressive. (Most guys consider revealing more about themselves emotionally and communicating on a deeper level nearly as enjoyable as falling face-first onto an ice pick or spending the rest of eternit Content: Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Acknowledgements Contents Foreword By Julie Spira, Publisher and Editor-in-Chief at Cyber-Dating Expert Introduction From King of the Dweebs to King of the Dates Section One: My 500 Dates Part A: I Dip a Novice Toe into the Dating Pool You Don't Have to Visit China to See Red Flags Dating Women I Can't Afford Does Dating Happiness Come From the Heart or the Wallet? Love and Life on the Rebound What's Love Got to Do with It? The Hottest Date I've Ever Had Making Scents of Being Single A Challenge to My Fellow Dating Cowards. Part B: Look at Me-I'm a Dating Professional!Stop Me Before I Share Again! Dating? Think of It as Job Training I Confess: I Love Jewish Women! Unhappy New Year! How Not to Rock Your Date's World The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past Speed Loving: Recipe for Disaster Special Delivery Don't You Feel Happy When Your Friend Finds True Love? Do I Need a 12-Step Program for Serial Daters? Part C: Help! I'm Drowning in the Dating Ocean! I've Had 500 Dates-Kill Me Now Coffee Date's Hidden Thoughts-Revealed! Damn You, Foundation of Friendship! I'm Not Asking for the Moon and the Stars. A Letter to My Future Soul MateA Personal Invitation to Share My Dating Pain Help! My Girlfriend and Ex-Wife Are Hitting It Off! Writing is My Lady I Was a Woman's Last Online Dating Hope Finding a Soul Mate is a Numbers Game, Actually The Sounds of Dating Silence Death of a Relationship When the Music's Over The Less I See You, The More I Love You Section Two: My Observations on Dating & Romance Whatever Happened to Woo? Mistakes Men Make in Romance A Woman's Guide to the Inner Workings of a Man's Brain How Internet Dating Beats the Pants Off Off-Line Dating! It's a Woman's World-We Men Only Date in ItThanksgivukkah: Not the Only Pairing That Can Benefit You Romantically Going for the Dating Gold Male-to-Female Dating Dictionary Never Underestimate the Importance of Proper Eye Contact Saying it without Words Oh, Come On, It'll Be Fun! Official Soul Mate Determination Test for Women Only Pillow Talk: A User's Guide Relationships 101 Test-a-Jew How to Seduce a Jewish Woman Interpolitical Dating Tips Psssst, Men-Beware of These Potential Dating Disasters Section Three: Dating Fantasies I Finally Found the Perfect Woman. There Truly is Someone for EveryoneJust Another Fairly Tale Romance The Continuing Adventures of Shlomo Rabinowitz: Jewish Private Eye & Dating Specialist Dating Boot Camp Skip Dating-Go Directly to Marriage Section Four: Fun "News" Stories I Wrote About Romance, Dating, and the Sexes Female God Recalls Man for Repairs 5 Biggest Secrets Women Don't Want Men to Know Amish Phone Sex Chat Line a Huge Hit 10 Best Opening Lines to Get Republican Women into Bed Spain Claims It Originated French Kissing-and Sues France for 6 Billion! Now Several Years Post-divorce, Relationship Expert And Humorist Mark Miller Has Experienced More Than Five Hundred First Dates. In 500 Dates, Composed Of Fifty-five Humor Essays, Miller Features The Highlights And Lowlights Of Those Dates. Among The True Dating Tales And Revelations You Will Find In This Book Are: • How Miller And His Date Learned The Limitations Of A Man Being Too Emotionally Expressive. (“most Guys Consider Revealing More About Themselves Emotionally And Communicating On A Deeper Level Nearly As Enjoyable As Falling Face-first Onto An Ice Pick—or Spending The Rest Of Eternity Listening To Celine Dion Music.) • Miller’s Realization That Sometimes Men Have To Pay A Heavy Price For Their Dates’ Previous Relationship Behavior.(at Least Six Different Times, God Has Matched Me Up With A Woman Who Has Had A Long History Of Wild, Impulsive, Passionate, No-holds-barred Sex. She Invariably Finds Something Lacking In That Lifestyle And Decides To Make A Change. Starting With The Very Next Man She Dates. Who Is Invariably Me.) • Miller’s Misguided Social Experiment To Separate Dating From Status By Spending Less Than $20 On The Date, Purchasing Everything At A 99¢ Store, And What He Learned, As A Result, About His Date And Himself. (“i Realize Now That On The Journey Of Romance, Thrift And Creativity Will Take You Only So Far - For The Rest Of The Trip, You'll Need Mastercard.) • Revealed For The First Time The Inner Workings Of A Man's Brain. (cerebellum. Responsible For Coordinating Movement And Maintaining Balance. Used Primarily When A Man Has Had Eight Beers And Is Endeavoring To Make His Way To The Bathroom Without Tripping Over The Dog And Pulling The Fish Tank Over On Top Of Them.) • How Miller Took His Date To His Ex-wife’s Holiday Party Only To Find His Date And His Ex-wife Bonding Like High School Girlfriends. (“pam Would Take Amy Aside And Present To Her A List Of All 273 Of My Failings, Most Of Which, She Confides To Amy, Won’t Become Noticeable Until Month Three Of Amy’s Being With Me. Amy Is Stunned; She’d Only Been Aware Of 149 Of My Failings.”) But 500 Dates Is About Much More Than Dating. Its Humor Essays Also Cover Romance, Relationships, Breakups, Attraction, The Nature Of Love, And How Both Men And Women View The Art, Science, Expectations, And Reality Of Courtship And Turning Courtship Into Something Deeper And Longer Lasting In The Twenty-first Century. Throughout These Essays, A Portion Of Which Were Previously Published In Various Media, Miller Provides A Sense Of Hope About One’s Romantic Prospects. Readers Will Find That The End Of A Marriage, Even A Long-term One, Does Not Mean The End Of Romance—or One's Sense Of Humor. A veteran of the comedy business and the dating scene offers a laugh-out-loud guide to navigating twenty-first-century relationships. In Mark Miller s career as a stand-up comic and sitcom writer, he s worked with pros from Garry Shandling to Joan Rivers and many more. But after his divorce, his focus turned to re-entering the dating scene and trying not to bomb. First sharing his experiences and hard-won expertise in his blog and nationally syndicated column, he has now created a collection of essays that cover five hundred-plus of his first dates, including such adventures and discoveries as: How the experiment of spending less than twenty dollars on a date didn t work out that well What happened when he took a date to his ex-wife s holiday party Why so many women make the important life decision to stop indulging in wild, impulsive sex, usually right before they start going out with him While Miller admits that most guys consider revealing more about themselves emotionally and communicating on a deeper level nearly as enjoyable as falling face-first onto an ice pick or spending the rest of eternity listening to Celine Dion music, he also reveals a nuanced understanding of the female perspective. From romance to breakups and expectations to disappointments, Miller s wisdom on the nature of love is sure to inspire even the most jaded online daters. Having known how funny and insightful Mark is since our early days in the San Francisco comedy scene, it brings tremendous joy to my grateful heart that he s finally decided it s safe to share this hilarious and helpful book with the world at large. Kevin Pollak 500 Dates is a godsend, because now when you get back from your own 500th date, you ll have something exciting to look forward to. Yes, it s a book and not a human, but it s likely a lot more entertaining and fun to be with than your date was. Lori Gottlieb "Now several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced over 500 first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of 55 humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates"-- Provided by publisher